Wanderlust

Wanderlust: January 2004 - January 2006

2006-01-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this blog and I've decided I just don't have the time or the energy to turn it out the way I want to anymore. Like I've mentioned already; it's too easily searchable by my real name; and I just plain don't have the time to put the effort into making the entries what I want them to be anymore. I think the best idea is to scrap this blog, wait a while, and see if inspiration strikes me to start again.

Thanks for all the nice and funny comments over the past couple of years. If anybody's interested in hearing about a new blog down the road, go ahead and leave me a comment or send me an email and I'll let you know when I get around to starting one up!

Lots of love,
Mindy

I bought boots on Monday--and they aren't black!

2005-12-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

Here are my awesome new boots!

How bout I stop over-analyzing everything?

2005-12-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

So now it's been so long since I've posted that I've been putting off posting as I don't really have anything interesting to say and didn't want to be anti-climactic. I don't know why I can't just be normal and not worry about everything so much all the time.

So yeah, it's been a few months since I really posted anything and so much has happened and yet not really anything all that interesting. Gillie's walking and signing and even talking a little bit these days. I'm totally impressed with the signing. She's got about 10 down and can let me know when she's hungry, thirsty, wants milk or sees a dog, cat, bird, or fish. It's so cute to have little conversations with her.

She's really intense though with other babies and I'm getting a little worried about it. She's still fine with J's son, T, but with other kids she's pretty rough. We had a mom and her 17 month old daughter over to play today and G made her cry like at least 5 times. She wasn't mean really, she's just really intense and in-your-face. And loud. She squeals and shrieks and sings. I think it's adorable, but not when she roughly hugs/takes down the other babies. It makes me so nervous to have her around others, but at the same time maybe that's kind of what she needs, you know, to get used to them?

The holidays were good. G's grandparents went nutz with toys for her, which was good as she was pretty much playing with soda bottles and empty boxes. Now she's got those (which she still loves) and lots of legos and stacky wood stuff. And also a super-cute red wagon that she loves to push around. Family stuff was good, same as always, you know, not perfect but alright--nothing to write about now though I guess.

I went to Seattle with a friend for her birthday on Monday. We did shopping and eating and drinking and watched a really funny movie and were pretty much totally debaucherous. I had a really good time, except for a killer hangover--the likes of which I haven't had in over two years--but I guess she didn't have so much fun which kind of bums me out cause she did a real good job of pretending like she was. I don't really want to say much more than that, I know she reads this and I'm not trying to be a bitch, just venting and honestly feeling pretty hurt. I guess it's like, if we were having a good time, then the hangover and all the money was well spent and worth it, but if it really sucked that bad then I should have just stayed home.

God, what else? I don't know, I guess that's all right now. I'm trying to figure out (again) what I want this blog to be. I guess at this point it's too late for it to be much more then a mommy blog--there's too much information that makes it searchable. I'd love to have a blog where I could write all about what really happened Monday night and how I feel about it, but I totally can't do that here where I've made it possible for anybody to find it. Before I had G I was pretty honest about stuff in my life, but now I feel like I need to protect our family--and for good reason. And two blogs is just way too much work for me these days; obviously as I can't even keep this one up.

My baby is really big.

2005-12-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

She'll be a year old on Saturday. Unbelievable.

Today she brought me her nursing blanket, looked me in the eye and made the nursing sign and waited to be lifted up onto my lap.

She's completely amazing.

Things are ok, really.

2005-11-30T18:55:00.000-08:00

I've just kind of been really busy with the day to day and haven't had much to blog about. No exciting happenings, no energizing new thoughts. Just the same old stuff. Gillie's eating, walking, and growing a ton. I'm sleeping more than I was but not quite enough. Things are alright.

All over badness.

2005-11-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

Except for one night I haven't gotten a chunk of sleep longer than 2 hours in over a month. Except for three nights I haven't gotten more than about 6 1/2 hours total. Brooks and I are fighting and we DON'T fight. Now we're arguing and actually saying really mean things to each other. The house is a mess. I haven't had a shower in three days. Gillie's teething. I can't make her stop crying because I'm too tired to give her as much attention as she's needing. My mom keeps calling to tell me how cute she is.

Things really suck right now. I thought maybe I needed to go to the doctor and talk to him about PPD but what I need is not medication, it's sleep and exercise--two things that I can't seem to find the time for. Well, to be honest, I could find the time for excercise but being so sleep deprived I can't make myself do it.

Gillie's in pain and exhausted and I can't get her to sleep. She keeps falling and hurting herself because she's too tired to walk or crawl properly. What I wouldn't give for a week of childcare.

Chipotle Mac-N-Cheese---For Todd.

2005-11-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

Here's that recipe.

1 lb. Macaroni or seashell pasta
2 sweet onions
1/2 stick butter
2-4 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (depending on how hot you like it)
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 c. flour
5 c. milk
28 oz. canned chopped tomatoes
5 c. shredded cheese (I like pepper jack and sharp cheddar)
1/2 c. parmesan
1/2 c. bread crumbs

Boil pasta until firm/tender. Drain and set aside.

Melt butter in a large skillet or pan. Add onion, peppers, and cumin and cook until beginning to carmelize, 8-10 minutes. Add flour and cook for 3 minutes. Pour in milk and stir until thickened, 5-10 minutes. Add tomatoes.

Pour into a large mixing bowl, add cooked pasta and cheese, stir to combine.

(I also like to add about a pound of sauteed chicken at this point but that's up to you)

Pour into two greased casserole pans.

Combine parmesan and bread crumbs and sprinkle over top.

Cook in 375 degree oven for about 25 minutes until hot and bubbly.

Sorry Todd, you'll have to convert it to metrics and centigrade on your own. :)

I think that's it. I don't have a recipe but that seems complete.

Shakin in my boots.

2005-11-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

My baby crashed out at 7 p.m. Last night she did that and I woke her up at 8 so that she didn't nap too much and subsequently not go to bed at a reasonable hour. It didn't work well--she stayed up until 11:15 and then woke twice during the night before getting up for good with a real crabby attitude at 6. I guess tonight I'll ride it out and let her sleep--hopefully nobody'll get hurt.

You know, meaning me.

:(

Today I cooked for 5 hours. I made 4 pans of chipotle mac-n-cheese, a huge pot of squash, lentil, and chick pea tagine, roasted tomato soup, and a crockpot of chicken with orange, soy sauce, and honey. We have food to get us through Thanksgiving--wahoo!

People...I just don't get 'em sometimes.

2005-11-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

So it looks like someone got one of my passwords and has been reading my emails for the past month or so. Unless it was totally random it had to be one of a very few number of people. It's so freaking weird. The really lame part is that my emails ARE.SO.F-ING.BORING! Sooooooo freaking boring. I swear, like 95% of my incoming mail is the flylady reminding me to clean my room or mop my kitchen floor. The other 5% is made up of quick notes from my mom and links that B sends me from work. Someone was interested in sneakily checking them out?!? WFT?

I'm kind of an idiot sometimes so I didn't put it together until I mentioned to B that about 1/2 of my emails were showing up not bold. He was like "well duh, someone's been looking at them." I didn't understand why, if they were going to go to the trouble to dig into my personal life, that they didn't hit "make bold" after they were finished but I guess you can't do that on comcast. I also thought maybe someone hadn't been looking at it but it was instead just some other glitch.

I changed the password though about a week ago and since then all my emails have been bold, which leads me to pretty much believe that somebody is an idiot with no life. I just wish I knew who they were.

Nice Cans.

2005-11-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

There was a time, before I became pregnant, and really up through my second trimester that I was working out--a lot. I've never been anything resembling a hard-body, but I was in pretty good physical shape. Even through my third tri I was doing pre-natal yoga four times a week. After the baby's arrival though everything changed. In the 11 months since she's been the guiding force in our family's life, I've worked out, oh I'd say, maybe--MAYBE--10 times. Once a month or so on average I'd guess. Nice, huh? Way to work off that baby weight...

Things have turned around this week though and I think I'm off to a fresh start. Gillie's big enough now that she can mostly hang out in the living room with me and entertain herself while I bang out a quick workout. Here's where it gets a little pathetic. I picked up my lightest, 5 pound, weights to get ready for a semi-intense arm circuit. I was prepared to not beat myself up for having to do the entire thing with small weights. I was feeling all zen about it "you have to start where you are" and all that.

I may have well been trying to use my man's big ol' dumbbells. There was no way I was going to get through the circuit using those weights. I did what I haven't had to do since I first started working out after putting on my freshman 15 nearly 15 years ago, I went to the kitchen and got a pair of soup cans. HEY MAN, GIVE ME A BREAK--THEY WERE THE 15 OZ SPAGHETTI SAUCE CANS--NOT THE PUNY 10 OZ SOUP CANS ALRIGHT?!?

I did the entire workout with spaghetti sauce cans and felt it in my pecs the next day.

:(

Being in the city is fun.

2005-11-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

The family drove to Seattle yesterday to celebrate our friends' baby's first birthday. I haven't spent much time in the city in quite some time, probably close to two years and have gotten really accustomed to living out in the sticks. If you'd have asked me two days ago which I preferred I would have told you that I dig the sticks, hands down; and to be honest I probably still do; but I gotta tell you, yesterday's trip really had me thinking.

Bear in mind, we were in Fremont. It's not exactly like a real city, it's more like Disneyland, in city form. But the houses were all so great, there were tons of great shops and coffee places and bars and restaurants and yoga studios. Fremont is like the New York and San Francisco that you see in romantic comedies--no ugly, gritty dirt, no pesky homeless people, just happy, upper-middle class liberals and their families enjoying street fairs and walks in the sun. By the time we left I was convinced that Brooks should get a job working for Bill and that we'd move to some great, on-the-way-up, semi-undiscovered amazing new neighborhood. But then I remembered the housing market in Olympia. We couldn't even afford a home THERE for god's sake, that's why we moved out into the sticks in the first place. And I was contemplating a move to one of the most expensive cities in the country?!? And expected to live in a cute pre-war home when I got there. Right, I'll go ahead and file that under "keep dreaming."

I'm wearing far too damn much perfume right now.

2005-11-06T19:43:00.000-08:00

It's actually making even me a bit sick, but my man loves it when I smell like a French whore (do French whores really wear that much perfume?) and I'm not going anywhere so what the hell...

We just had a really great weekend. It started out a little rough, Friday was the end of a pretty long, fairly sleep-deprived week, but Saturday promised a night of respite as GiGi was going to be staying the night with her grandparents. We got some housework done and then drove up to my parents' place where I cleaned their house and then left little G with them and took off, back to Thurston County for a night of debauchery--er, I mean sleep.

We met our friends in Yelm for dinner and laughed a lot. Then came home to a night of no mid-night feedings, no mid-night cat yowlings, and lots and lots of sleep.

You know, I started this post last night and then had to abandon ship to get Gillie down for the night. I'm just not feelin it anymore. Maybe I'll

We went to a Halloween party on Saturday.

2005-10-31T07:10:00.000-08:00

When I pulled into the driveway it occurred to me that I should have been wearing a costume. I dressed the baby up but it completely slipped my mind that I might have followed suit. As it was, I can think of only maybe 5 other adults that were not in costume. Here's picture of my girl (she's the one in red).

I need some new clothes. Stat.

2005-10-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is what I have in cooler weather apparel. Two long sleeve, cotton knit turtleneck sweaters. Two long sleeve, very light-weight nursing shirts. Two long sleeve, mid-weight nursing shirts. One long sleeve, heavy knit cotton sweater. Two pairs of jeans. One pair of black pants.

The black pants are faded, tapered, and have lost their stretch. The jeans are good. The turtleneck sweaters are stretched and ill-fitting. The nursing shirts are fine. This is not a good thing. At the very least I need some new pants--black, semi-boot cut, stretchy and a couple of well-fitting sweaters, silk-knit or cashmere. TJ Maxx is having a major sale today through Saturday but I don't think my schedule is going to work it. Possibly tomorrow...

Today I have a WIC appointment and am going to a new playgroup which I'm hoping will be good.

What's up with NPR this month? I usually love NPR in October because they have lots of spooky stories, interviews with witches, and general fall-time goodness. This year though I've yet to hear a single story or interview! Halloween is on Monday and all I've heard this week is election crap and environmental stuff. Not that there's especially anything wrong with those topics, but you can talk about fish populations in Denmark ANYTIME of the year and you can really only get away with talking about haunted houses in October! Actually, is Halloween even happening this year? All I've heard about it anywhere is on a KMart commercial that I hear repeated about every 3 1/2 minutes. "I found Looooove at a KMart store. Dress up real good and scare the folks next door. I found loooove at a KMart store." A la Toby Keith.

That's about all I have today.

So things are back where they're supposed to be.

2005-10-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know what was up with last week's downspell. It pretty much sucked and I can't seem to think of what caused it. Whatever, must have been cosmic, I'm totally happy again.

We had a good, if uneventful weekend. B and I both made a little cash doing work for our mothers so that was good. Our clearing and decluttering mission has motivated both of our packrat moms to clear out their junk too--it's so exciting! Clean house, clear mind--that's the bottom line.

Last night I fell into a snooze on the couch with my fuzzy Mona on my lap and my hand wrapped around a Pumpkin Ale. I could feel the smile on my face. I knew things were looking up. We watched the 10th Anniversary edition of Clerks, the one originally shown to the Sundance and IFC people--Dante totally died at the end! So shocking! It would have been more shocking if Kevin Smith hadn't told us during the opening commentary that it was going to happen.

A friend of mine called last night to tell me she was pregnant. My jaw must have dropped to the floor, I was so surprised. I'm happy for her despite her habit of making terrible decisions with men. She had a toddler with another bad choice and continues to deal with the consequences of that decision but she still gives everything possible to this amazing little girl and I give her a lot of credit for that. Her daughter was born with a heart condition and had open-heart surgery before she even left the hospital, she's had to eat through a tube most of her life, until just recently, but is the happiest little girl--such a cutie pie. If anyone can take care of children in the face of adversity, Jen can.

I was the tiniest bit jealous though. I know it's completely illogical. There's no way in the world I would choose to get pregnant and have another child right now--Gillie continues to kick my butt daily--but the mind has an amazing knack for glossing over the tough parts of pregnancy and early infancy and helping me to only remember the glowy joy-filled parts. Luckily I'm on the pill though so there will be no hormone induced lapses of judgment on my part yet.

Ok, enough of this. I need to go fold laundry and clean the bedroom.

Here's what a 10 month old Gillian looks like when learing to master the stairs. And this is what she looks like when she's removed from the stairs.

Today is officially declared a no pressure day.

2005-10-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'm officially taking it easy. You know, aside from attending to little G's every need of course! She's been napping for nearly two hours, I think the final two hours of last night's sleep weren't so good, and I've been spending the time taking a long hot shower, eating last night's leftovers, and reading tons of blogs and discussion groups. There's a whole lot of stuff I could be doing around the house today, but I'm just feeling a little tired of pressuring myself to do it. You know what's funny is that usually when I give myself permission to have days like this I end up getting a lot more done. We'll see what happens.

G's the wiggliest baby I've ever met. I practically have to sit on her to change her diaper. This is making me use a lot more disposables as the seconds they save over trying to wrap her into a cloth diaper are immeasurable.

Back to the blogs.

I feel like a bad feminist for saying this...

2005-10-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

(side note--you know, actually I'm not sure "feminist" is even a word I'd use to describe myself anymore. I think I'd say something more like Buddhist, humanist, or even species-ist (yeah, I know that's not really a word) as the way I feel about the state of the world and my place in it doesn't really focus on gender differences much...)

but anyway, here's the gist of it, I'm really loathing my body these days. I'm trying not to and trying to have a positive attitude about it, but I'm pretty much obsessed with hating it these days. I'm constantly thinking about the hugeness of my thighs and butt and stomach and I can't eat anything without feeling guilt. Actually, I can't do much anymore without feeling guilt. "I'm eating too much." "I'm not eating healthily enough." "I'm not exercising enough." Yeah, I guess when I write it out it all does center back to my body. I was thinking I was feeling guilty about everything in my life but I realize now that I'm not. It's all just self loathing about body stuff. I've definitely gotten to a place of feeling worthless, in the sense of being unworthy of anything positive and it all is because I feel fat.

How fucked up is that? Logically I know it's ridiculous but internally and physically I can't seem to shake it. Here's a list of everything I'm hating on myself. Actually I don't even need to make a list. The list used to include everything from my knees to my stomach, now it includes everything from my ankles to my chin.

This is totally depressing.

No baby tonight--many cocktails.

2005-10-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

First off, do you need a set of these? Check out my ebay auctions if you do.

Have you ever looked at webtender.com? It's totally awesome! You enter in all the alcohol, mixers, and anything else you have in your kitchen and it'll give you a list of all the fab drinks you can make with what ya got! We have a very sparse kitchen these days and still got back a list with at least 50 drinks on it. Now, some them are non-alcoholic, and a few are repeats (crown and coke, jack and coke...you get the idea), but there are still a ton of great ideas that are usually much different then anything I would come up with on my own.

For instance, tonight we started with a Pineapple Bomb, which is an equal mix of whiskey, triple sec, and pineapple juice; shaken and served up with a sugared rim. Then we had the best drink of the night with the worst name, a Yellow Cake--vanilla vodka, triple sec, and pineapple juice; again up with a sugared rim. Right now we're on our third drink and weirdest drink of the night, the Algonquin--I've always loved that word; whiskey, dry vermouth, and pineapple juice--shaken, up, and again with the sugar. Quite obviously we had a lot of pineapple juice in the house. Unfortunately we have quite a bit of vermouth and not any more vanilla vodka. I'm really glad that we made this drink last, after our palates were numbed with the previous drinks.

So what else did we do with our evening alone? Oh, the details are very, very dirty--those prone to blushing should probably tune out right now. First, I cleaned all the junk off the shelved in Gillie's closet, let Brooks sort through all the computer crap--old modems, disks, cables and the like, and dusted off every single shelf. Then I took pictures of tons of clothes, household stuff, and software to list on ebay.

Now that we're all sweaty and dirty and out of hard alcohol, I think we're going to go crack some beers and watch Clerks. After that I'll pump my alcohol contaminated milk, pour it down the drain and get 8 straight hours of sleep without a baby needing any middle of the night sustenance. In the morning I'll take a long shower without wondering if she's woken up from her nap and worrying that I can't hear her over the rush of the water.

I love being in my 30s.

Gillie woke up at 4:45 this morning, wouldn't go back to sleep, and I was really crabby about it.

2005-10-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I was really, really crabby. I kept trying to not be crabby but I just couldn't kick it. I fed her for 45 minutes, most of which were un-crabby. I was a little irritable thinking about how Brooks was going to be looking to me to get some breakfast together in a half an hour or so after I'd already been up feeding Gillie while he'd been snoozing in a nice empty bed. By 5:45 though when Gillie was clearly not going back to sleep I got everybody up so we could all have a crabby morning. At 7 she went back to sleep and so did we. Brooks didn't make it to work on time but he's got a pretty flexible schedule so it wasn't that big a deal.

The weird thing is just how incredibly crabby I was. Thinking back on it I can see how silly and irrational it was but at the time I just wouldn't let myself get past it. We all probably would have had a much better time if I'd just accepted it but I couldn't get past wanting us all to go back to sleep. I get so obsessed with getting enough sleep sometimes.

Anyway, Gillie's entire schedule is off now. It's 4:15 and she's only had one nap today. She's super crabby now and won't go back down. I contemplated taking her for a drive but I really don't want to. I don't want for us to be stuck in the car for two hours while she sleeps. I hope that's not totally selfish. I'm actually letting her cry in her room right now--she's not freaking out and doing that hyperventilation thing, she's just kind of whining. I don't love doing it but I'm hoping it will tire her out a bit and then I'll be able to nurse her to sleep. We'll see.

Crazy thought today...My life is pretty much perfect.

2005-10-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

How weird is that considering that not much has changed in the past year or so, and especially not in the past 10 months. I'm happy. We're doing ok financially (or at least things are looking up), my house is coming together, Brooks and I are really communicating well, things are good socially...everything's just really good. But again, not much has changed in the past few months and I was very stressed and almost pretty unhappy during the middle of the summer. It just makes me realize how much of a person's happiness/contentment with life is all in how you look at things.

This baby stuff is all coming together too. I think I'm over a lot of the stress that comes with adjusting to life with a baby, things just kind of flow more easily now. I'm not in a place of trying to live my old life except with a baby. I've come into a place of Gillie BEING my life (in a good way) and it's just much easier that way. Plus Gillie's just so much more communicative. Tonight she used her first sign to let Brooks know what she wanted (he was feeding her dinner and she wanted him to know that she would prefer milk--unfortunately I wasn't home). She can move around on her own and let me know what she needs.

You know, this was all much more lucid three hours ago. I have to go to bed.

Napoleon Dynamite, I just don't get it.

2005-10-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to love it. I really wanted to like it. I loved the opening credits. It was starting to grow on me, but by that point it was 10:30 and I needed to come upstairs and well, blog. I took a percocet for my back pain and it's making me all cozy and numb. Anyway, ND is just too sad--at least the first part of it. I hate movies like Welcome to the Dollhouse and what's that other one, about the 12 year old boy that everyone is mean to--I can't remember, I'll remember after I post this I'm sure--it's like a one work name/title...Otis? Angus! That's it--Angus.

Anyway, I'd asked everyone who loves it (and there are a ton of people who love it) if it was mean and uncomfortable like Dollhouse and everyone assured me that it wasn't and that it was much more then that. They're right, I'll definitely give them that. It is much more then that, but it still made me sad and uncomfortable and at this point in my life, I just don't have time for that. My free time is really really limited these days and I want to spend it on books and movies that uplift me. Maybe Napoleon would if I stuck around till the end, but I don't have the two hours to give it right now.

Here's a picture of Gillie and Brooks at swimming lessons. She's such a pollywog! It's not the greatest picture but I didn't want to piss off the rest of the class by continuing to shoot a flash at them.

October and Bailey's Irish Cream...a perfect combination.

2005-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

I love Bailey's. When I turned 21 it was actually the first drink that I chose for my legal initiation. Sure, you can drink it anytime, but I usually save it for when the nights have turned cold. Last night I poured some over a cup of Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide and it was am-freaking-azing. That's a habit I DON'T need to develop.

Gillie's down for her second in-crib nap of the day. It's awesome--I've gotten so much done! The other awesome thing is that she's been in SUCH a good mood for the past week or so. Long naps, full sleepy nights, and a happy and curious baby during the waking hours are very good things.

I'm feeling so optimistic lately. The more clutter I clear out of my house the more open my heart feels; so much less weighed down by the "pressures" of the world. I wish Brooks was more open to getting rid of his stuff as well. I don't want to push him--I know people hold on to things for all kinds of reasons and pushing him to do something he isn't ready for isn't going to help anybody. I just want him to feel as great as I've been feeling this past month or so. It's mind-boggling how much clutter--even unseen clutter in closets and filing cabinets and outbuildings--can bring you down.

Also, here's kind of a downer thing I've been feeling; I've been reading a bunch of new blogs, full of new people and places and ideas, and once again I'm feeling kind of embarrassed about the image of myself that my blog conveys to the world--or at least the tiny fraction of the world that looks at my blog. I'm doing better, but I don't have the focus to make it as all-encompassing of my life as I'd like it to be. I'm afraid it's coming off as pretty shallow and one-dimentional.

Priorities though, I guess. I'm amazed and impressed with the people who are able to live full and meaningful lives and blog about it as well; but for me right now I just don't have it in me. We'll see what happens.

I'm so done with my dad.

2005-10-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I think a statement like that would have broken his heart. These days I think it would just make him bitter and vindictive and bitchy. He hasn't done anything especially overt, I'm just sick to death of his pissy attitude and outlook on life. I swear he acts like a fucking 16 year old girl--holding grudges, acting out passive/aggressivly, making snarky comments with a kind of unspoken "no offense". I don't even know where to start with all this, and it' s not like I have a ton of time to sort it all out right now. I mean, I have time, but I'd rather focus it on other things, so I guess this stuff will just have to wait.

I guess this is a pretty random entry. I'm just so tired of him. I've started planning my trips home when I know he's not going to be there so I don't have to deal with his crap. He's got his head so far up his ass it's a wonder he can function at all.

He's such a fucking baby. I've got better things to do than think about him for another minute right now. I wish he'd grow the fuck up, he is in his 60s. Though, I think he's gotten worse in his older age. He's always been a bear, but I'm sure it's worse than it used to be. Or maybe I'm just willing to put up with it less.

Whatever, I'm hungry.

One month of super-happiness and still going strong.

2005-09-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

I expected to have crashed by now but I haven't. Things are still great; I feel joyful, fulfilled, and so so so happy. I've cleared so much junk out of my house and I feel like the emptier spaces are just filling in with goodness. Is that crazy? Plus I totally love October. I love the cooler temperature. I love smelling fires burning in peoples' fireplaces, I love the darker evenings, I love the rain, and I love the falling leaves.

I am obsessed, literally obsessed, with cleaning my house.

2005-09-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's up with the stars' alignment or my horoscope or what but I like it. I like it a lot. GiGi woke me up at 4:45 for a feeding this morning and when she finished at 5:30, instead of going back to bed, I went downstairs and polished all the copper pans (well, except the ones that B did yesterday). Last night I made myself go to bed and get some rest, not because I was staying up too late watching a movie or partying with friends or anything, but because I was really wanting to clean out under my bed. It's really crazy. Totally fun though. My house looks awesome and having it so clean has really freed us up to take care of some other issues, like listing old audio gear and baby stuff on Ebay. So having a clean house is actually helping me make money! How very feng shui! (Did I spell that right?)

In bee sting news, I need to call my doctor and see about getting one of those EpiPens. Or maybe I don't need a prescription...In any case, I'm not really comfortable doing any more yard work until I get one. The bees are everywhere and they are seriously pissed off--end of summer, cold nights, not much pollen--you know how it goes. Both my eyes are still a little swollen and so are my feet. It still hurts a little to walk and my face is just a little puffy from the venom. I can't believe how hard core that little bastard was.

You know, B got stung here last summer and had a similar reaction, but when he got stung in MI a month later, he had almost no reaction. I wonder if we have a particularly nasty kind of wasp/hornet thing here? If so, I'm really scared of GiGi playing outside. If that's the normal reaction in an adult I'm afraid it would seriously stop her breathing or put her in a coma or something. I don't even know what to do about that.

Update. I feel like hell.

2005-09-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

B called poison control for me because two hours later I could hardly walk for my feet were so swollen, I couldn't really sleep as I couldn't swallow well, my entire chest was swollen and splotchy (yeah, very splotchy, very very ugly.), and my hands and lips were shiny and pink because they were so puffed up. Well, my lips looked kinda cool, but given the state of the rest of my appearance I still looked pretty terrible. Poison control thinks I'll be fine, but thinks this was probably my one "get out of jail free" card. I've got to get an EpiPen because they're pretty sure next time could be really bad. I feel horrible, like I have a terrible flu--every muscle aches and I keep fighting back nausea. This totally sucks.

Thank God GiGi is at her grandparents' house. Unfortunately I'm wasting my one night away from her by being incapacitated but at least I wasn't having to deal with her while I felt like this. I know B would be doing most of it, but it's her prime grumping hour and I'd still be hearing her cry. Plus, Benadryl gives me the shakes and panic attacks when I'm feeding her and I was told to take a triple dose.

Ok, that's enough bitching. I'm just so pissed that our fun Saturday was cut short by a stupid bee sting! How lame is that?!? Really fucking, that's how.

We're leaving in a few minutes to drive to my parent's place so I can take care of the middle of the night feedings. GiGi's big into the mama separation anxiety these days and what would take me 15-30 minutes of sweet, sleepy feeding to get her back into her crib may well take my parents a few hours of screaming until she wears herself out again. I don't really mind the feedings, they're pretty quick and she's so sweet and small. My mom bought me another book about babies with sleep disorders but I haven't even looked at it. G DOES NOT HAVE A SLEEP DISORDER--she's an AP baby who is used to having her mom with her all the time. She's tiny and sweet and I don't think I have to break her spirit by not being with her to help her grow up any faster. I'm mostly getting tons of sleep anyway, totally no big deal. Except for tonight with all this Benadryl in my system.

I guess that's it. Goodnight.

Ow Ow Ow

2005-09-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

I just got stung by a bee on the forehead while trying to do some yardwork. I've been stung gazillions of times in my life but have never broken out in a rash before. Are bees bigger and badder then they used to be. I have hives all over my chest and back and feel like I'm having a panic attact as my chest is so constricted. Can one develop a bee alergy as one gets older? My entire face feel swelled up, but doesn't really look it--just kind of red.

I'm supposed to go out for drinks later with a friend for her birthday but I don't know. I kind of feel like hell right now.

I woke Gillie up scrubbing the tub yesterday.

2005-09-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

No good deed goes unpunished, right? But at least I got the damn thing scrubbed out. She's down again now, but it's been about 2 hours and I think I hear her beginning to stir.

GiGi's down for a nap. Housework be damned.

2005-09-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

I have been an absolute housecleaning maniac this past week. This house looks better then it has probably since I moved in like three years ago but today I'm actually going to sit down for a minute, blog for a bit, and then possibly even read a book. Wild. I live a wild wild life.

I've been doing this funny online program called Flylady and it's really helped me get my head around cleaning my house. It's really made it even fun--I swear I've been compulsive about finding stuff to get rid of, throw away, donate, or sell on ebay this week. I know a lot of people who have done the program and didn't like it because they felt it was almost too militaristic and bossy but honestly I don't care, if I get an email I don't feel like doing I can just delete it, right? Otherwise, the constant reminders of what I could be doing are really helpful. I've always felt kind of overwhelmed at the prospect of really cleaning my house and keeping it this way, having someone constantly remind me of what I need to do is verrrrry very helpful for me.

Plus, I'm the kind of person who usually gets kind of obsessive about whatever project I'm currently involved with, be it planning a vacation, seducing some guy, playing a video game, you get the idea--now my obsession lies in making my house look fantastic and it's such a Win/Win--I'm happily obsessed and B is stoked to have a shiny house. Yea! And hopefully we're even going to bring in some cash by selling a bunch of stuff that was just cluttering up my pretty small home.

In other news, I've been reading a lot of blogs and message boards focusing on sustainable living these days. I'm really wanting to put some energy into getting away from the spending and dependance I have on the system right now. I know it's a huge huge step, honestly I don't think I could, at this point, even really concieve of living off the grid or anything, but I do want to make some changes, however small. You know, I've been compulsivly shopping for most of my life (although I have gotten a ton better about it in the past four years or so) and I know in my heart that I'm not any happier because I buy this or that unneeded piece of plastic whatever. So that's a good place to start.

And here we are back to my inability to completely express a thought. I don't know where I was going with that. Hmmm...

Oh, G started swimming lessons last week, there's a local pool that uses saline instead of a ton of chlorine--it's a little different to get used to but so much nicer on her sweet baby skin. She's so freaking cute in the pool but she's still only 9 months old and so doesn't really get it as much as the other babies. She's definitely the youngest, all of the other babies are over a year old , but it's still fun to get in the pool with her.

I'm tired of writing. And also feeling a little manic. Today's project is to clean my bathtub. I don't really want to. Cleaing the tub is one of my least favorite jobs. Maybe I'll just go do it quickly though and then go make some lunch and read for 1/2 hour or so till G wakes up.

I need to blog about my dad.

2005-09-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

He's making me absolutly crazy, but I have no time tonight. I've just got this jumble of feelings and things I wish I could say to him that I want to get out of my head. Hopefully tomorrow.

Busy week, lots of people.

2005-09-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like the past two weeks have been completely non-stop. Lots of cleaning, lots of family stuff, lots of G crawling around and grouching that she still can't get everywhere she wants to be. I thought when she started crawling she'd be a little less grouchy as she'd be less reliant on us to haul her around. As it is we're now the big baddies who keep taking away all of the fun stuff she finds to put in her mouth! She's just been really grumpy for a couple of weeks now and it's definitely taking it's toll.

We had a family dinner last week with two other families that I spent my childhood with. It was tons of fun to get together again and see what everyone's been up to. It's funny how much more comfortable and family-like than get-togethers with my actual family are. Speaking of my family, my dad is really pissing me off these days. He's been pretty much impossible to deal with all summer. I don't know what the deal is exactly, things have been complicated and rough for him at work but I don't give a damn, it's still not ok to be alternately passive-aggressive and outright asshole-like to your family! I swear my mom's about to her limit and I can't say I'd blame her for leaving him. I love my dad to death but I've put up with his childish behavior my entire life and I'm just about sick of it.

I just made a blackberry pie. It's really pretty. I'll post a picture later. That reminds me I really need to go pick more off that bush.

I hate being so reliant on my computer!

2005-08-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

I've been somehow locked out of the local library system's webpage for the past few weeks. It's making me crazy--I use that site like daily! I just spent 1/2 hour with the library's techie who couldn't figure it out and B, who's no slouch around the computer, is coming up short as well. It's horrible! How am I supposed to put fascinating new books on my cue? The crazy thing is that is the only site that I have trouble with and when I go into DOS my computer clearly recognizes the library's IP address!!!

In other irritating news I have have an ingrown toenail that I can't get rid of. I thought it was gone but it's not and now it seems beyond my being able to get it out. It totally hurts. Damn.

G's asleep now and I could use the time to get stuff done, but I'm feeling pretty unmotivated now. Not that I'm all grumpy and depressed or anything, I just don't want to do "work." I want to access the library database. I'm a little obsessed right now.

I used to be a really good writer.

2005-08-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

I was just reading through my archives with the expectation of finding myself embarrased about all the crazy predicaments I used to get myself into, but instead I found myself interested in my past and rather embarassed about my lack of focus and writing skill these past few months. My brain is mush. I can barely think of basic, simple words to complete sentences, let alone access the mega-thesaurus that used to be my memory. It's so depressing. I love motherhood, but I miss thinking--really thinking--and I'm afraid I'll never remember how to do it again. B and I have been doing quite a bit of reading/thinking/talking about the mid to late 1700s lately and that's been fun but it's barely anything. Hmmm...

I have no more words now and a crying baby.

Ice Cream ridiculousness

2005-08-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

So the family went to Cold Stone Creamery yesterday. I'd heard terrible things about it but we both had sweet tooths (teeth?) and the smell coming out the door was impossible to pass. Talk about an absolutely ridiculous amount of ice cream. My god, we ordered the medium (Love It) size, which looked to be an acceptable size while sitting on the counter, but by the time they filled it to overflowing with a ball of ice cream that was about the size of a softball it was a totally, outrageously, insanity inducing amount of sweetness. Plus it was filled, in my case, with caramel and cake; and in B's case coconut, pie crust, and whipped cream. Even with giving a few bites to a pretty demanding baby, I was still only able to eat about 1/4 of it. Luckily they had lids so B took it back to the freezer at M6K. Unluckily for B he'd ordered his in a cone and thus felt compelled to finish it. But the most ridiculous thing about it was how mediocre it was. I mean, I should have known, it's constantly panned on Chowhound but I guess I was just a glutton for punishment that day.

Friday was a really hard day. Gillian is teething, growing, and learing to crawl and is pretty grumpy about the whole deal. She finally crashed, two hours after her normal nap time, and here's a cutie picture that defies the day's difficulties.

Last night I had a dream about Eminem. What am I, 12?

2005-08-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't had this many sex dreams since I was pregnant. Maybe I should go buy a test.

Seemingly busy weekend, though didn't seem to get much accomplished. Yesterday I got the house cleaned, went shopping, made blackeyed peas with ham and homeade salsa with green, jalepeno, and pasilla peppers and also a chicken and corn chowder. It makes me happy to eat things I haven't had in a while. And I love blackeyed peas, such a great texture.

Gillie's sleeping now. I should shower.

I've got to find a hobby. I have very little of interest in my life these days except for this baby. I've been listening to an audio book on the life of Mozart that's really quite funny and interesting but I still need something more. It's just so difficult though to find something I can do with Gillian. I've always loved cooking and domestic-y stuff and those were kind of my hobbies, but now that they're actually my job I kind of need to find a new hobby. Reading and writing are great but I still need something more, especially since I don't really have anything that stimulates me to write these days. I don't just want to fill my days with TV and nothingness but I don't know what direction to go. Winemaking? Bookbinding? Goldsmithing?

Help.

Sin City.

2005-08-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about a guy I've never met but whose blog I'm addicted to. Then I woke up.

When I fell back asleep I had a second dream in which I ran into this guy on the street and told him that I'd just had a dream about him.

How boring is my life?

Hmmm, probably not the best use of my time maybe.

2005-08-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

B and I just got home from spending about 6 hours preparing for, traveling to, and sitting at a new local farmer's market where we made $22.50. And that's not to mention the 6 hours I spent baking yesterday, or the $7 I spent on ingredients. So what is that...two people, a total then of 9 hours of work, and a profit of $15.50. Yeah.... All the vendors were commenting on the lack of shoppers though. I'll give it a try next week but probably won't spend so much time making the mini pies. They were cute as can be, but way too labor intensive at this point.

Money's trickling in though. Starting next week I'll be cleaning my mom's house for $60/week, cooking all her lunches for $50/week and volunteering to help out at my diaper service in lieu of paying the weekly rate of about $20/week. That will bring us a lot closer to keeping our heads above water and I'm crossing my fingers that maybe this baking thing will take off a bit--maybe I could count on it bringing in $50/week and I've got a few possibilities for making lunches for a few more people too.

I had to turn off my comments.

2005-08-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

I just got 10 spam comments in the past hour. There must be some lame new bot out there. It's so sad! I love my comments, they really help me get through the tough times! I hope blogger.com gets this fixed soon. :( :( :(

Oh yeah...

2005-08-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday was spent at the ocean with my republican extended family. They actually have a window sticker that reads "Piss on Jane Fonda." Yeah, I have relatives with that window sticker. We had a nice time though and got some pictures of my great big, 8 month old baby.

B just took G for a run.

2005-08-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's the first time I've been without the baby in, God, I have no idea, maybe two weeks? I hope they're gone for an hour. I'm exhausted and even more brain dead than usual. My mom's coming tomorrow to help watch her for a few hours while I bake for Saturday's farmer's market. Then I'll be getting a massage.

Right now, my back's killing me. Percocet time.

It's Friday!

2005-08-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know why that makes a difference to me since I don't officially "work" anymore, but I still love the weekends. I guess obviously it's because B's here to help me and it's not so damn boring and lonely around here. I need to find a good, profitable way to spend my time and keep my mind occupied. My mind has totally turned to mush. We're going to a party tonight and I'm excited but a little nervous about making small talk with people that I really like but that I haven't seen in a long time. Keeping up my end of a conversation is pretty difficult for me these days.

I've had contacts for a week now. They're a little strange and difficult to get used to as I have a pretty strong prescription, but I still love wearing them. I can't believe how NOT difficult they are to put in and take out. Makes me want to kick myself for not getting them sooner.

My mom and G and I met some old neighborhood friends for lunch at Anthony's yesterday and it was really nice. G was on her absolute best behavior--2 hours in a busy restaurant and she was cheerful and happy the entire time. In fact I think she was really enjoying herself, trying to contribute to the conversation and eating her fill of peas, bottle, and cheerios. She was a doll. Nobody believes that she's a "difficult" baby because she's so social and loves seeing other people. It's not so much that she's difficult in the traditional sense, she just gets bored so easily. I can rarely leave her alone to get anything done as she demands my constant attention and entertainment.

Ok, she's gonna wake up anytime and I don't want to use her entire naptime blogging. I need to eat and pick up the house before an old friend shows up.

See what I have to put up with?

2005-08-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

Like curmudgeonly father, like curmudgeonly daughter. ;)

Tired.

2005-08-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

G's been on this absolutely horrible schedule since the trip of needing to eat every 2 1/2 hours--24 hours a day. That means I never get more than 2 hours sleep at a time, with a half hour feeding in between each. On a good day I'll get four two-hour blocks, usually though I only get three. I'm feeling exhaused and despondant and occasionally pretty angry about it. Two nights ago she ate enough solid food at dinner that I was able to get a four-hour block of time that was pretty exciting, but not since.

I'm so tired.

2005-08-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

I followed Shannon's advice and just did it, and I got sooo much done! Man, if I can sustain this kind of energy it's going to be amazing! B's mom brought over a bunch of zucchini and corn and peaches and blueberries so I made some zucchini-bran-cheddar muffins, some chocolate-zucchini muffins, and a zucchini-tomato-garlic-kale-and-cheddar quiche. Yea late summer harvest!

Plus I picked the first crop off our thornless blackberry bush, did the shopping, two loads of dishes, two loads of laundry, and just cleaned up the general messiness that was our house! It's soooo nice to have a clean house and I'm really looking forward to getting even more stuff done tomorrow. My sister and her daughter are supposed to come out in the afternoon, but we'll see, she's been a bit of a no-show-er lately. I'd normally write someone off that no-showed me so much, but I don't want to cut my niece off so I'll put up with it and just not expect too much, which is pretty difficult for me.

I've got to put myself out there as available to do house and yardwork for people. I'm not going to make any money if I don't let people know I'm available. And I need to start cooking for my mom again. $50 a week isn't much, but it's coffee and lunch money and that's something I don't have right now.

Thanks Suz!

2005-08-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

My husband pointed out to me, after looking at Suz' cool blog, that I don't have to commit to writing an epic length entry every time I want to blog and I feel so liberated now! I'd pretty much given it up because I knew that I could rarely commit to giving 20 minutes or more to thinking out a topic, editing it, and crossing my fingers that blogger wouldn't somehow eat my efforts but now I've moved passed that with the obvious realization that posts don't have to be book length to be funny and topical and interesting.

I got contacts yesterday. After 22 years of wearing glasses I finally gave in and and did it. I have pretty severe astigmatism and it's only now that soft, disposable contacts have been available to me. I've always been afraid of them, but a few weeks ago I decided I was done with the burden of having glasses on my face 16 hours a day. Not that contacts are a cakewalk, but at least G can't grab them off me. And now I can wear any cool sunglasses I want!

G's on the floor watching me type. I've surrounded her with toys but she's chosen a pair of underware (out of the clean basket, thank God) as her toy du jour. Remind me again why I spend money on actual toys...

I guess I'm on hiatus.

2005-08-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

They say that with new motherhood, the less important aspects of one's life fall by the wayside. As evidenced, it looks like blogging is one of those aspects. I'm not giving up the blog, though I've considered it, I'd still like to have it here should I get around to it; I just don't have the energy right now and am finding myself feeling guilty about not keeping it up to date. Even now, I considered briefly jotting down what I've been up to for the past few weeks, but I'd really rather use G's nap time to get some reading done and possibly do some gardening.

Here's G and family getting ready for her first boat trip. I swear she was laughing when I first hit the button...

Stressed to the max.

2005-07-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

The mizax? Whatever. I'm feeling a little better now that G's been gone with her grandparents for an hour or so. She's not coming back till tomorrow evening! I love that baby and I miss her already but boy am I looking forward to a good night's sleep and the opportunity to get some stuff done. She must be growing again because she's been waking up twice a night or so for feedings....We're leaving for vacation on Friday to our family place in Copper Harbor on Lake Superior and have so much to do in the meantime. Her absence means I'll be able to shop for supplies and start packing without a baby on my hip.

I'm soooo looking forward to a vacation. Not that it's going to be so easy, I'll still have a baby on my hip, and I'm not looking forward to the two flights, but still, a change of scenery will be fantastic and I'm really looking forward to seeing B's family. They're all meeting up again in August for his cousin's wedding in Chicago and I'm super bummed to not be attending but we just can't swing two trips this year. Plus, it probably won't be the most baby-friendly event and I won't be done breastfeeding yet.

I guess I don't have much to say.

Cleopatra on her sub-alpine expedition

2005-07-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

I desperately need to make some money.

2005-07-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

Things are getting way too tight around here. I just don't know what to do about it. I would need to make at least $17/hour to make paying for childcare an option if I were to work outside the home. Ideally I'd want to work from home, but wouldn't just about everyone, children or no, and there just aren't that many options out there.

It would be so beautiful if I worked in a shop or a juice bar or something that was very laid back and that I could bring Gillie with me to work everyday, but again, you can't just walk into a place and hand them a resume and have that work out. I need a network, I need to be able to make something happen, not just get some new lame job. I was going through my list of friends and they are not very upwardly mobile. The ones that have good jobs are generally in computers and the rest of them are just plugging along at crap jobs like I used to have. Where's my circle of friends that are changing the world, making great art, and bringing in some cash at the same time?

I need a job, but doing what? I feel so hopeless about it. I've never felt so hopeless about money before. It's always worked out. The job has always come along, I've always been able to sell enough stuff online, something's always happened--but nothing's happening. Not this time.

G's up (ho's down--sorry couldn't resist), gotta go get her from her crib.

I haven't posted since June 24th.

2005-07-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've been so damn busy, and when I haven't been busy I've been happy to just sit and read quietly. Now so much time has passed that I'll not really be able to accurate catch up. Even right now. I'm a bad blogger. I really just want to go and re-read Harry Potter V so I'll be re-caught up in just a few short days for the new book!!

Here's a link to my man's blog if you want a quick catch up on the day-to day.

We took G on her first hike on Sunday. We had her in the all-terrain stroller (well, most-terrain stroller as B refers to it after Sunday's adventure) but she probably would have been better suited in the pack. We took her on the Big Creek Trail hike outside of Staircase which is the hike we took the day I passed my pregnancy test. It's a lovely trail, seemingly quite disregarded by the plethora of hikers who make their way to Staircase every weekend. Even on the 3rd of July we passed only one other set of hikers. My point being that it's a gorgeous trail, but a bit overgrown and underused to support a jogging stroller. B got a serious upper body workout keeping the back two tires lifted off the ground for much of the hike.

G seemed to love it. She was cheerful and content for the first three miles and sound asleep for the last bumpy downhill mile. It was a 1000' elevation gain in two miles and her only complaint seemed to be when we tried to rest a few times going up. Well, more than a few times really--come on, I've hardly worked out in like a year...

On the 4th we had a BBQ at my best friend's mom's house which was great and then we came home and put G to bed with her baby monitor and went swimming in the next-door neighbor's pool. I was a little unsure about it, but really it's as close from her room to the pool as it is from her room to our laundry room, and it all worked out fine--she woke up and we heard her and B ran back to our place and fed her back to sleep. It felt soooo soooo soooo unbelievably good to be swimming without a baby; free for a few hours.

I was starting to feel a little unsure of our neighbor's intentions though. He had a way of bringing pretty innocent conversations back to sex which I found pretty surprising. They're like upstanding members of our small community--board president, church-goers, that kind of thing--I mean, I know there's just no way to tell what people are like behind closed doors but I didn't expect that kind of thing from these people. And I am soooo beyond not interested. For one thing I'm just not physically attracted to either of them, for another I'm way too tired and too busy, and for a third it just seems way too awkward. I'm counting on their teenage girls to babysit for little G, I don't want any drama screwing that up...No way, no day.

Ok, G broke her first two teeth today and is terrible spirits. She's usually well on her way to sleep by this point but not tonight. I need to go help out.

Just a real quick update--G's pretty demanding today.

2005-06-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot better today--I guess yesterday was just one of those days. Yesterday evening actually, the day was pretty good. I met B for a walk around the lake and took G in her little kiddie pool. She loves that thing and it's so cute to watch her swimming around in her little hawaian print bathing suit.

I don't know why I was so down, just the money thing I guess. I hate that money gets me so down. I know it's not just that though. It's more that I feel like I HAVE to be stressed out about money even if I'm not and THAT depresses me. Or something. I'm not exactly sure.

Anyway, it's nice out and G's not happy to be laying in her crib while I write this so I've gotta run.

I'm so fucking depressed.

2005-06-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

I swear to god, G's the only thing stopping me from just ending it right now. This CyberSecretaries thing isn't going to work out. I'm a fast fucking typist. I type like 90 words a minute and kick ass at data entry, but I guess I'm not a word processor. I just don't know all the little formatting details. I tried to give myself a couple of tutorials, but they didn't even touch the crap that CS wanted. I'd been really counting on that. B bought me a new computer and I didn't even have any doubt that it would work out. I just got my corrections back though on the tests I did last week and I don't even know where to start. Even if I were to take the hours necessary to fix the corrections, I still wouldn't be able to make any money for the company. Any typing speed I have would be killed by my lack of formatting knowledge.

I'm too old to donate eggs and it's no longer legal to receive compensation for donating a kidney.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to put G in child care. So I can bring in a couple hundred dollars a month. I can't believe we need a couple hundred dollars so badly that it's worth it to B to put G in child care for 40 hours a week. I can't fucking believe it. I mean, of course more money would be better, but realistically, that's all I can hope for these days. I mean, I can't bring myself to do social work and accounting-clerk work just doesn't pay that much--if I can even find any.

Another week.

2005-06-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

Things have been quiet around here. Not much going on. Monster's been gone for about a week now. I feel a little guilty about how little I've missed her. The first day was really difficult; I finally had to move a small black pillow that was sitting on a chair in the window as everytime I walked by I thought it was her, snoozin away. Just as I had so little time to play with her though I've found I've got so little time to mourn her as well. The other cats seem ok with it, they never got along much with her but did seem aware that something had changed. Now they're over it. Mona's taken to crying at 5 in the morning. Maybe she just didn't before because Monster took care of it. Not good. She doesn't have to worry though, she doesn't have any of the other problems that Monster had. Voodoo just seems extra playful, always trying to engage Mona in some kind of fun, kitty action. Monster used to put the smackdown on his attempts at friskiness.

G had her first trip into a kiddy-pool yesterday. She had a cutie little Hawaiian print bathing suit and loved the water! I didn't know how she'd respond to the cool water but after the initial surprise she seemed to really enjoy it. If our heat wave lasts for more then a day we'll try it again! I don't have any pictures though as I was alone.

G had her 6 month checkup last week--I can't believe she's 6 months old. She looks in fine shape and won't have to go back in until she's a year old. She's almost 17 pounds and nearly 28 inches long. That puts her in the 50th percentile for weight and the 97th for height, down from the 99th. I know those charts are pretty much worthless, but I still love to see how she compares to other kids. I think I need to change that additude.

Ok, I need to get in the shower.

I did it. It's done.

2005-06-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well, to be fair, B did it. I sat in the car with G and cried. She'd never seen me sobbing before and as she had no idea what was going on thought my crying face was exceptionally funny, which made me smile. And then cry some more.

It was over so fast. The shelter wouldn't even take her to try and give her a home. I'm not blaming them, they only have so much room and so many cats come in everyday. They have to give priority to cats they believe will find a home. Usually Monster was pretty docile on trips to the vet, but she was so pissed off after her night hooked up to an IV that the shelter workers asked if she was feral.

That's the one thing I feel really terrible about. I wish I hadn't made her suffer through that trip to the vet's. I'm sure it was much more traumatic then the quick injection at the shelter. It breaks my heart that her last night wasn't spent with us. Speaking of the vet, I'm totally finding a new one. I've always appreciated that our vet was such an advocate for cats, but when B let them know that he wasn't willing to spend time and money on giving Monster anti-depressants for the rest of her life they totally guilt-tripped him. We are not irresponsible pet owners. We're doing everything we can to keep the ship that is our life from sinking and Monster was not pulling her considerable weight.

Last night a white cat that I'd never seen before showed up on our front porch. That was odd.

All last night my dreams were tinged with concepts of betrayal.

So Monster is all kinds of sick.

2005-06-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

The diagnosis: she's got some kind of infection, she's got blood in her urine, she's pre-diabetic, she's obese (well, duh), and she's stressed and depressed because of the baby.

The treatment: a night at the vet's hooked up to a saline IV, anti-biotics, a new diet, an additional cat box in the house, and believe it or not, a prescription of anti-anxiolitics to help her with her depression.

Yeah, that's not going to be high-maintenance or anything.

When I declared bankruptcy in 2001, Monster was given an asset value of $10.

I just talked to my husband and now I feel even worse.

2005-06-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

He doesn't want to take the cat to the vet, he just wants to give her to the shelter, in fact he wants to get rid of Mona now too. He' s freaking out about money but I don't think we should make decisions about the cats when we're feeling like this. I've never been suicidal about money before and I just realized that I'm not now either. I'm not freaked out about the money, per se, but about my hopelessness and his anger. They say that a huge number of couples divorce during the first year of their baby's life and I can see why that is. B & I are stronger then most people I know and this is insanely difficult. We're not splitting up, I wouldn't do that to G and I know that it's just a stressful time. We've been together what, like 13 years or something so we're not going to quit now but something's got to change. Really quick. I've been reading the work at home boards on Mothering.Com but I don' t know, it's so hard to know what's a scam and what's for real.

I didn't do it. Of course I didn't do it.

2005-06-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying I won't, but I just couldn't yet. After thinking about all the people who suffer through putting pets down that are really sick and in pain I just felt like I was disrespecting them by putting a cat to sleep that didn't medically need it yet. I'm taking Monster to the vet tomorrow to see if she has a UTI or any other medical condition that would be causing her to pee all over and cry all the time. If she doesn't it will be tough decision time again, maybe at that point we'll take her to the shelter and see if she can find a new home. I can't keep her here and have her keep peeing all over the place though. It smells terrible and it's unsanitary. I can't afford to have the carpets shampooed every month and I can't lay G down on a nasty carpet when she's learning to crawl.

I'm desperately depressed about money. I am honest to God, freaked the fuck out. I'm trying to think of everything of mine that I can sell, but that's still only a temporary fix. B is freaking out. I'm freaking out. We are down to the wire and I see no real solution. I've thought through all our bills to see how they can be cut. Netflix is only $13 a month, not really big enough to make a difference. I drive a lot to keep G sleeping but Mom has been paying my gas bill. The TV is free with the internet service which I can't cut as I use it for work when I get it. It's summer, we haven't used the heat in months and don't have AC. I'm really frugal with money. I never but meat that costs more then $1 a pound and I'm getting a ton of free meals right now by cooking for my mom every week. (She pays me $50 to prepare a week's worth of lunches for her and I'm usually able to take home a pan of lasagna or enchiladas or something for myself.) I'm just not seeing how to cut back.

I do usually go out for a nice dinner or two or three a month and I guess that needs to be cut out. Definitely. I don't really shop for myself though too much. I just bought a bunch of new v-strings from Victoria's Secret, but they were all on clearance and I really needed new ones. And I have to stop buying clothes for G. She has plenty. Still though, that's not enough. It's not enough to figure out how to send less money out every month; I need to figure out how to bring more money in.

Ideas? I'm open to just about anything.

Today is a sad day.

2005-06-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been putting this day off for over a week, but I think today is the day we have to get rid of one of our cats. I feel horribly guilty and ashamed about this because this particular cat is not on death's natural doorstep. It would be a lot easier for me to make this decision if she was very old and infirm and in tremendous pain and discomfort. She's kind of old, 10; kind of infirm, she limps around a lot and seems rather arthritic, but mostly the problem is that since G's been born she's been increasingly difficult to live with.

For one thing, I, like most new mothers, get very little sleep. Five to eight hours per night of very broken up, very light sleep. Monster's taken to crying for about half of those hours--loudly, plaintively, right outside G's door. When I put her outside she continues to cry and climbs up on to the window screen so she looks like those old stuffed Garfield dolls that people used to stick in the back windows of their cars.

She's also stared pooping in the living room and the kitchen. It's disgusting and it's a pretty regular occurrence. Again, I tried to work with her. I thought maybe she was too fat to get through her kitty door into the laundry room so I started leaving the door open for her (did I mention she's obese? Ridiculously fat. She constantly eats until she pukes. If I try to help her by feeding her less she becomes obviously agitated and when she feels like there's enough food for her again she eats until she pukes some more.) I also started changing the box like three times a day so it was completely pristine all the time. Still no luck, she still poops on the stairs, the living room carpet, under the kitchen table, and anywhere else she might feel like it.

Lately I've been noticing the living room smelling more and more like cat urine. I had a suspicion, but still didn't know which cat was doing it. I thought maybe it was my boy because he's had a bladder infection in the past and had issue with that and lately there's been a new Tom on our property and I though maybe he was spraying to mark his territory. My suspicions were confirmed last week when I walked into the living room to witness her squatting ON G'S PLAYMAT pissing away! I was livid! B's wanted to inhumanely take her out right then and there, but I insisted that we take her to the vet and do it correctly. That's a week ago though and my anger keeps waning. Well, during the day it wanes, every morning when she wakes me up after only four hours of sleep I get my resolve back.

Anyway, I think today's the day. We've asked all our friends to take her, we've put an advertisement on the local radio station, we've contacted everyone on our Friendster and MySpace pages, but nobody's interested. Now I just can't decide if it's more humane to leave her in the animal shelter with the hope of her finding a new family (but with the possibility of her just living in a cage for a week and then being euthanized without her loved ones) or to take her in and have her put down while B and I are there comforting her. I just don't know. And I've got about 2 hours to make up my mind.

This sucks. I've had monster since she was a month old. She's been trouble from the start. She's never been a very loving pet and I think most people would have gotten rid of her a long time ago, but she's my family now and I feel horrible about having to make this decision. My house reeks of cat pee though and it's not like she's going to stop doing it.

Nooooooo! That's Im...possible!

2005-06-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

They've taken my favorite pizza off the menu at Ramblin Jacks.

RIP Joannie Loves Chachi.

This is the only pizza, the only menu item at all really, in all of downtown Olympia that I have been consistently happy with for the past 6 months or so. It was So.Freaking.Good. It was so good. Ginger-infused olive oil, blackened salmon, roasted red pepper strips and slices of fresh avocado. I had cravings for this pizza at least once a week (not that I indulged in it every week, but I was always thinking about it. "Hmmm, what do I want for dinner?" The Joannie Loves Chachi pizza was always my answer. I know it was a ridiculous name, and was a bit irritated that the servers couldn't even tell me why it was named that, but I didn't care, I ordered it with pride week after week.

When I went in last week I ordered without even looking at the menu. "Oh, sorry" the server said "we're no longer carrying that." WHAT?!? I'm a really polite person, especially in restaurants, some would say I'm overly polite. And I was in this situation too. I didn't throw a tantrum, though maybe I should have asked to tell the manager just how important this pizza was to me. I mean, I do eat out fairly regularly with my friend and my family, and I generally take people to Ramblin Jacks just because I love this pizza so much and now I won't be so inclined to go there. It's not about making a threat, just about letting them know that this menu change won't be going unnoticed.

The server told me that two of the ingredients on the pizza, the infused oil and the blackened salmon were not items that were regularly used on any of their other entrees and so to take the time to make them for this one menu item just wasn't cost effective. I can understand that. I'm very reasonable. I can definitely understand that. I'm just very sad, that's all.

2005-06-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Not much going on. I've been sick. G had her first little cold. B's stressed. It's all business as usual around here. I haven't posted a picture in a couple of months though--here's G in the backseat of my car.

Sex? Like I care.

2005-05-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

TW will be 5 months old on Tuesday. During this time I'd say that B & I have averaged gettin our freak on probably about once every 3 weeks. If you could call it getting your freak on, I guess, more like waking up 10 minutes before we think she will and trying to take care of business as quietly as possible before she wakes up and starts ringing her breakfast bell. Not that I'm even interested; I have zero sex drive. Sex would be a non-issue for me if I didn't love my man as much as I do and didn't want him to have to suffer too long without it.

The other day I was driving around with TW sleeping soundly in the back seat so my mind had time to wander back to my old priorities. I was thinking about this cutie that I'd started crushing on last Halloween but didn't do anything about as I was 8ish months pregnant and had more important things to be thinking about. I started thinking about how I should write him an email and get back in touch but then a friend of mine had to deal with a situation which reminded me of just how much time I don't have for that kind of activity.

My friend's in an open relationship too and recently hooked up with a guy who pretty much turned out to be a selfish, lying, cowardly asshole. She's all upset about it and I don't blame her at all, but it made me realize that I just don't have time for the drama. Even aside from the drama, I don't have TIME, period. If I have a minute away from TW it's spent reading, writing, talking with B, or getting dinner with J once every other week or so.

I saw a cartoon the other day. It was two panels, the first labeled "Before Baby" the second labeled "After Baby." In the first, three women were sitting around a coffee table pondering "am I bi-sexual or hetero-sexual?"--the classic twenty-something quandary. In the second panel the same women were discussing "am I asexual or post-sexual?" and I can so relate. Sex holds absolutely no power over me these days. My body has one job and that is to provide love and nourishment for my baby. Maybe that will change someday, but this minute I'm not holding out for it.

The first step is admitting that you have a problem.

2005-05-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with Paris Hilton. It's terrible. I know. I don't know what it is. It's not her looks, specifically, it's just---her. She's attractive, but not beautiful, but I just can't stop looking at her. How messed up is that? When I see her while flipping through the channels I'll always stop to see what she has to say--something generally earth-shattering, no doubt, I'll look at the tabloids to see what that have to say about her or see what she's wearing; I watch her shows, I see her on daytime talk TV shows...I'm hooked. I'm an educated, formerly-professional, feminist, political woman and I am completely obsessed with the phenomena that is Paris Hilton. What the fuck is up with that?

I'm a girl that appreciates the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy, I have favorite appellations in France, Italy, and Germany; but tonight I got tipsy on more than a couple Paris Pink Drinks. It's not even grammatically correct! The drink name doesn't even use a fucking apostrophe and that's just not right, but damn they were tasty!

Ok, it's time to move on before I admit anything more embarrassing than that....

Sunday is my first Mother's Day! How exciting is that? My mom tried to celebrate it for me last year but I just wasn't feeling it. I hadn't earned my stripes. I've only been at it four and a half months now but my life has changed so dramatically that I definitely deserve any respect that comes with the title of mother.

I ran into an old friend/co-worker of mine yesterday from when I used to do social service at a domestic violence shelter. I'd seen her just briefly maybe 3 or 4 years ago when she had a newborn but now she's got a four year old and an 19 month old! A few mamas I know had mentioned to me this walking group that meets a couple of times a week here in town but I was too shy to attend alone. I was just out for a drive the other morning so that TW would sleep in the car when I saw a group of about 6 mamas out walking. I figured this must be the group I'd heard about as they were in the right neighborhood and then I saw my old co-worker was one of them. I drove around for a while longer and then passed them again on my way home. I figured this must be a sign so I pulled over and spent a few minutes talking with her and I'm so happy now!!! It will be so great to join this new walking group now that I have a contact who's already involved. I know it's kind of lame of me to need that security but whatever, like I have the time right now to worry about that kind of thing.

To bed. I'm tipsy.

An exciting new development in sleep deprivation!

2005-05-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

TW's gone from sleeping happily for 9-10 hours a night to waking up every hour and half, needing to be fed, and then staying up for an hour. Well not exactly staying up, more like half snoozing on my lap. If I try to put her in bed she'll wake up and cry. I've come to count on these feedings taking a little less then an hour two or three times between midnight and six in the morning. Good times! I'm so tired right now. I've pretty much given up again on doing anything social for awhile, I just can't commit to anything when there's the possibility that I can get an hour of sleep in here or there.

B's been sick for the past two days so he's been home. That's been great but yesterday I took TW out for a few hours so he could try and get some real rest. We were walking around Capital Lake and totally got caught in a downpour. The skies were sunny when we started and sunny by the time I got her back in her car seat, but in between was a full on squall. I had a blanket to cover her up with but I was soaked! It also really kicked up how much I'd been planning on running that day--I think I actually ran halfway around the lake. Crazy what a little motivation will do.

Did I mention TW's in the 99th percentile for height? I don't know how much value those studies have, but she's a tall little baby! 28 inches already! I guess that's what having a 5'11 mom and a 6'1 dad'll do for you. She's outgrowing stuff that is supposed to fit her until six months because her toes get all cramped up; she's such a cutie pie.

And the good news is....I'M NOT PREGNANT!

2005-05-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

Oh.My.God. It's not that I wouldn't have welcomed the new little one with love and joy, but I'm so not ready to be pregnant again yet. This little one is such an ass-kicker and I can't imagine going through a pregnancy right now while dealing with her many constant demands, let alone dealing with a newborn and a one year old nine months from now. I'm taking this mini-pill for birth control these days because it's the one that affects your milk supply the least but the downside (upside?) is that it doesn't give you any periods. I've been really mood swingy lately, as well as nauseous, exhausted and having big time cravings so I was pretty certain that I was. I don't know now what the cause for all that was, but it's not that I'm knocked up and for now that's a very good thing.

So much for my boycotting stress thing last weekend. I don't know what happened, something hormonal. It started when my breast pump was broken and TW was away at my parents, I started panicking at the prospect of of how much my chest was going to hurt and ended up releasing what must have been the cumulative stress of the past five months or so. I ended up REALLY breaking the breast pump, requiring at 9 p.m. run to Target to buy a new one, and also tore my closet door of the hinges and put a 10 inch hairline crack in my bedroom wall. I don't get angry very often. Especially physically angry. And especially not now that I'm with TW nearly 24 hours a day. I guess a lot of stress had just built and built and built and finally, with the little one at her grandparents, I knew it was a safe time to release it. It had to happen I guess, but it sucks that it got to that point in the first place and that I had a pretty ruined night because of it.

I've got to stop stressing though. I'm constantly stressing about what I'm going to get done when she sleeps, and all that I'm not getting done when she's awake, and what if she starts crying while we're out, and on and on and on. I've said it before but I can't go on like that. Today was good, I was armed with a good night's sleep and new resolve and I just rolled with it. I'm exhausted now at 9:30 and hoping that she doesn't wake up too much in the night but mostly feel ok.

I don't know anything except baby stuff anymore. Don't bother trying to talk to me about anything else. It's not that I'm not interested, I just don't remember how.

(deep exhale)....FREEDOM...

2005-04-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

The Wiggler is staying the night with her grandparents so B & I have the night off! It's such an amazing thing, but as I'm writing this I realize that I'm so used to living with stress for the past four months that I'm stressing now about all the things that I'm not getting done now that I have a minute of free time! FUCK THAT!!! Yes, I should use the time to clean the house but I'm not gonna. I'm going to blog. I'm going to drink a glass (or three) of wine, I'm going to go to a movie (yea!! Hitchhiker's Guide!), I'm going to go to a party, and then I'm going to sleep in until at least 8:00 tomorrow morning (I know that doesn't sound very extravagant, but G's coming home at 9 and it's still much better then my usual Wiggler wake up call of 6:18). Oh my god, I can feel the stress melting out of my body as I write that. It's incredible how that feeling of "hurry and get everything possible done when you have a spare minute" can take over your entire world.

But tonight I'm boycotting stress.

I've been able to start exercising regularly now for the past couple of weeks. Gillie's big enough and aware enough that she's happy to sit in the jogging stroller for walks around the lake now which has been really helpful and yesterday I felt good enough to start jogging part of it. A small part, to be sure, but that's to be expected; I haven't done much cardio this past year and I'm still about 25 pounds heavier then I was at this time a year ago. I'm not beating myself up about it at all, I'm just trying to go with the flow and add a little bit more jogging to the walking/jogging mix every day. Gillie's such a taskmaster though! She prefers to move fast and her tears are a great motivator to get me to hurry around the lake!

My family dog is going to be euthanized this week. I said goodbye to her today. It was horrible. I tried to keep it together for her sake and just gave her lots of attention while I was at my family's today but I had to leave because I was just getting too sad. Making that decision is the hardest part of pet ownership, but she's definitely there. She's got all the problems that people talk about not wanting their animals to have to suffer. She's had them for a while actually, but nobody could make the decision to go through with it. I've always had a family dog. This will be the first time in my life that I haven't and it's going to be horrible. A household without pets is just empty to me. I've been having to keep myself away from the shelter because I absolutely cannot manage both a dog and a newborn but it's so tough to hold back. My parents want to try to go a year without a new dog to see what life is like without one. B gives them till mid-summer. I haven't been without a dog in 32 years; my dad hasn't been without one in 50.

What the hell is a fuggle?

2005-04-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

I was listening to an old Olympia beer ad on B's radio show the other day and the announcer said "our fuggles are second to none, but our water is in a class by itself." I get the whole "it's the water" thing, but fuggles? I've been drinking beer for a good, long time and I've never heard of a fuggle. I suppose I could google it, but I'd just rather blog about it.

So I joined the Olympia M0MS Club but I'm feeling a little unsure about it. I don't know, everyone I've met so far just seems so...square, I guess. I know Olympia probably has the highest per-capita number of hip mamas in the country, but I'm not doing a very good job at meeting them and I don't think many of them have joined the M0MS Club. It's not a Christian organization, but nearly every woman I've met so far has mentioned her church at least once within a 15 minute conversation. And it's not that I have a problem with Christians, not at all really, especially if they're as respectful of my views and choices as I am of theirs; it's more just a deep acknowledgement that we probably have some fundamentally different worldviews. In the short term that's fine and I'll probably get the support and social interaction that I need, but in the long term I'm not sure that we'll have much common ground.

And it's not that I'm really living such an extreme lifestyle right now. I'm about as big a wife/mother/caregiver as one could be right now and I'm loving it, but fundamentally, underneath it all I'm really a mostly a pro-breastfeeding, anti-war, far-left-leaning, social anarchist which isn't a characteristic I'm sensing in any of the club members that I've met thus far.

Whatever, at this point I've kind of been too down to attend many functions anyway. I'm wondering if I don't need medical intervention about it at this point. I've been kind of down since a month or so before the birth and it's really getting a little tedious. It's not me to feel like this. It's like an indescribable, empty sort of sad longing deep down below my stomach. It's so physical that it almost feels like hunger, but it's emotional and I know it. It's really difficult to describe; it's almost like I can taste it. I don't want to do anything that will interfere with breastfeeding though. The studies I've read seem to indicate that Paxil and a couple other anti-depressants don't interfere with breastfeeding but I guess I don't necessarily trust them. Since the feeling is so low-level I'm kind of wondering if I should just live with it for another year or so until TW's weaned. Maybe I'll bring it up at the La Leche League meeting next month and see what they have to say.

Two posts in two days? The stars must be aligned over Tenino.

2005-04-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

We took TW to the mall for pictures today. We actually tried last week but she was soooo not in the mood. We rescheduled for their earliest possible sitting today which was at 11. I asked if they could possibly open for us at 7 a.m. as that seems to be the only time of day we can count on smiley behavior. The young twenty-something behind the counter looked at me like I was crazy, but sleeping in is a thing of the past! I have friends who tease me about going to bed by 9 everynight, but the fact is that The Wiggler's going to be awake by 5 or 6, regardless of whether I've had enough sleep and there's nobody besides me and B that's going to swoop in and take care of her early morning needs.

Anyway, we got to the mall by 10:30 and she was in a pretty good mood right up until 11, and then still held it together through most of the sitting. She never gave the camera one of her big, beautiful smiles, but she did manage to not cry for most of the time and hardly screamed at all. We got some 8x10s and 5x7s for the family and a cutie 10x13 for my parents but my god, The Picture People totally suck ass. Sorry, I guess that's not the most appropriate description for a children's photography company, but they really do. They're all about the marketing and the selling and are totally evil and tricky about it. I mean, you get what you pay for and I should have known it going in, but we had a coupon and I guess I just wasn't thinking. So we're in this "club" now for her first year and it's cool--we'll get some nice shots and then be done with them. But this will be a lifetime reminder to me that when it's time for nice pictures, I need to go to a professional photographer, not some in and out shop in the mall. Duh.

I'm still sick. I've been sick for a week and I'm dreading tomorrow when B has to go back to work. I'm dreading even more his getting what I've had and not being able to help out. I was completely bed-ridden for a day and a half and he was great, I only had to get out of bed to feed her--which would give him a few hour long breaks during the day because of how much she's been eating lately. I'm terrified though of him coming down with it now as I'm the only one who can really do the feedings so if he's stuck in bed I'll be caring for her completely, and that's had freaking work. How single moms do it I have no idea. I would seriously have a breakdown if I was doing this alone.

So I wrote this long-ass post last night and blogger ate it and I couldn't bear to re-do it.

2005-04-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

And it would be stupid to try again now. It's so frustrating!

TLP's nickname has been replaced, she's just not peanut-like anymore, she's much too big. Her new, more appropriate Batman-supervillan nickname is....THE WIGGLER (otherwise known as TW).

I just saw a picture of Tori Spelling carrying her bulldog in a front-carrying pack. Before I had a baby I used to refer to my pets as my kids and I really believed that I loved them as much as I would a child. I still love them like crazy, in fact, I still think I love them as much or more as I do my sisters or cousins, but they are not my children and I realize now that the love is so much different. I guess the difference is that a person can choose to treat their pets like children, and of course the pets will appreciate the attention, but with pets you can leave the house for an hour without an hour's worth of packing up supplies; you can go out for drinks with friends and not worry too much about them, etc., etc...With actual children you don't have that choice. The children HAVE to be your first priority, period. You never have the option of not putting them first.

I'm half-way through the training phase for a work from home transcription/dictation company. I know there are a ton of scams out there with this kind of work, but I've done some research and this company seems legit; additionally, the tests are really freaking difficult! I've done "tests" for less reputable companies that really just want you to pay them for "training" that were ridiculously easy; like doing one, 30 second transcription paragraph dictated in perfect, slow English. Dead giveaway. Anyway, it'll be a fair amount of work, and not a whole lot of fun, but if I can finish these tests at least it'll be a little more money coming in.

You know what I'm sick to death of? People who bitch about "mommy blogs" or about people becoming parents in general. It's like, sorry my life isn't exciting enough for you anymore! To the people who are bored by women's blogs about their children, here's a tip--DON'T FREAKING READ THEM! To the people that act like parenthood and childrearing are a strain on their oh-so-hip reality of drinking and sleeping around; bite me, I couldn't care less to have moved into something more personally fulfilling and away from that kind of lifestyle.

The past four months have been the most challenging of my life. Giving all of my emotional, physical, and financial resources to this helpless (but nevertheless incredibly demanding) infant has helped me learn and grow in ways I didn't even know possible. She is, without question, the best thing that's ever happened to me. If people want to criticize that or look down on my choices, I could absolutely not care any less about their opinion on the matter.

God, that sounded really bitchy. I'll try to end this on a more positive note. Have I mentioned how much I love breastfeeding? Is that weird? I really do. And you know what, I was cursed in this life with having ridiculously large breasts (yeah, I'm sure that's going to get me some interesting google search hits) and I'll be damned if I don't do something useful with them for as long as possible. TW's four months old now so we've got at the very least four more months of it, but I'd like to try and continue at least until her 1st birthday. It's just so bonding; it's like a big hug for a few hours every day and I just don't get the same feeling when I feed her a bottle.

She goes through phases where she's eating a lot and so she's on me a lot and I'm not able to get much done. Really though, I don't care. I'd rather be connecting with her and making her feel loved and comforted then anything else in the world and it's not like I have anything better to do. I'm not working so I can take care of her, so if I have to just sit with her and feed her for an hour every couple of hours I'm fine with that. And really, she has no sweeter time then when she's eating, looking in my eyes, with her tiny little fingers wrapped around mine.

I just wrote for the first time in weeks and blogger ate it.

2005-04-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I'm irritated. I'm so pissed right now.

2005-03-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

Look ma! No pink!

Crazy busy, nothing much going on...

2005-03-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

I've been spending most of my days at J's house lately. I can't stand to be home alone all day and she's got a little one too so we're pretty much on the same page of what activities we're able to do and all that. Mostly the activities are pretty exciting mommy stuff--feeding, walking around her house, eating, watching Buffy--but for the past week or so we've also been able to get out for walks around the neighborhood and that's been really good for both of us. Yesterday though was the total walk from hell! It was like The Return of the King starring Mindy and Jami as Frodo and Sam.

We were quite a distance from her house, on the other side of a marshy bog of a park when the hail storm kicked up. TLP was already a little fussy (yeah, how unusual) so I was carrying her in one arm and pushing the stroller in the other and had to lay her down, pretty unceremoniously, in her stroller and pull both the rain covers over her head to keep her dry and unpelted by hail. She hates having the covers up over as she can't see anything so she's totally screaming and Jami and I are running as fast as we can with strollers trying to get out of the rain.

We decide to cut through the park as circumnavigating the entire thing is going to take way too long. About 400 feet in is a downed tree. We should have just turned around but didn't and took turns lifting both strollers over the trunk. Then come the hairpin turns down a steepish, mucky hill. We get to the bottom walk a few steps and look ahead to see about 50 rough-hewn, uneven, steep steps. At this point we think turning around would take too long and decide to brave it--for the third time since entering the park we made the wrong decision. At that point we still should have turned around. Taking the babies up those steps was sooo scary and dangerous!! Oh my god, I don't even want to go into what we had to do to get those screaming babies up all those stairs...way too many words and I do not have enough time until she wakes up again.

We were both laughing and crying throughout the ordeal (or adventure as B refers to it...) and it's one of those experiences that's going to have been worth it just for the story later but my back is pretty jacked today after improperly lifting and pushing a stroller up 50 stairs and a 45 degree mud covered hillside...

I was supposed to go on a week long road trip with TLP, my mom, and my sister to Reno tomorrow but I decided to back out. I'm just not up to it yet. I realized I was carrying way too much stress about it and it was going to be a lot more energy then it was worth. My mom's a little bummed but understands.

2005-03-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

She's three months old!

I never write anymore.

2005-03-18T10:22:00.000-08:00

I just don't have time. I should just cancel this blog, but hopefully someday I'll have more free time. TLP's growing, she's eating all the time. She's big enough now that I can feed her while I'm sitting at the computer but it's still not ideal. Mostly I just use the time to catch up on reading other people's blogs.

I went to my first La Leche League meeting the other day. It was nice to connect with other women who have similar values about childrearing. TLP nursed for about 1/2 hour and then slept soundly in my lap for another hour and a half. People commented on how nice it must be to have such a sleepy, quiet baby! I was shocked at her behavior--the room was loud too, with toddlers screaming and throwing toys! I wish the meetings were more then once a month, it was really nice to talk with people...

I had a margarita with my mom last night to celebrate St. Patricks day. Actually I didn't even know it was St. Patricks day, I'd just been at Planned Parenthood picking up a FREE YEAR OF BIRTH CONTROL PILLS (yea Take Charge program!) and Pepper's is right next door so we stopped in.

Bravo showed the "100 scariest moments in movie history" last weekend and I, like a total dumbass, watched it--now I've had gruesome images in my head for a week. I don't know why I'm so drawn to watching that stuff when I know how disturbed I get from it. I've always been that way though. Some people love reading that stuff and watching the movies and like the scared feeling they get from it. I'm so easily disturbed but I just can't help reading it...And I never lose the images either--they haunt me forever. I read a really creepy book when I was 14 and I still have icky thoughts about it!

I'm having a terrible body image month. I rarely am able to work out and up until this past week had gotten into the habit of eating fast food once a day. It's making me crazy but it's rare that I can get TLP out of my arms for more then 15 minutes at a time during the day. I hear about other new moms having time for yoga or workouts and I'm so jealous and incredulous.

It's 10 p.m. TLP is asleep and I should be too.

2005-03-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

But I haven't written in a week and just wanted to quickly check in.

I went out to dinner with my friend tonight while her man stayed at home with the babies. It was soooo nice to get out of the house/away from the baby for a few hours. During the first month I'd feel really kind of almost guilty to leave her with other people, but I'm pretty much ok with it now--I mean, as long as it's my friend, her husband, or my parents; I'm not talking about the teenage babysitter up the road yet or anything...We had a really good time, it's so nice to go out and have dinner and drinks, or just to do nothing, and not have to worry about whether the baby is going to start crying at every minute.

It's this totally frustrating/funny thing, but it's so rare that my friend and I go out to dinner in Olympia and end up satisfied with the experience. I don't know, maybe our expectations are just way too high for such a small town. It's not that I'm a snob, but I like good food, good drinks, and good wine, and I don't mind paying for it, AS LONG AS IT'S WORTH IT!!! But it seems like our small town has a lot of style, and a lot of hype, but not a lot of substance. I don't want to pay nearly $20 for a pasta dish that could be better made at home. I don't mind paying $7 for a quality cocktail, but I want it to be make correctly and delivered on time.

We went to Capitale downtown--it was our 2nd visit and will definitely be our last. In its previous location it was my favorite place in town. It closed about a year ago I think and reopened recently amid much hype as "Capitale presents Cielo Blu"--a name that just screams way too much pretension in my opinion. The new menu is fine, and this it completely just a personal opinion, but is way too heavy on the cumin and cilantro--neither of which am I especially excited by. Also the service is just slow and clumsy. My friend's nanny recently applied there and during the interview she was asked whether she had formal serving experience. I'm thinking the implication was that they were planning serious dining; again, I'm not a snob, I'll happily eat amazing tacos from a roadside stand, but if they think they're a formal dining establishment they're completely delusional.

Anyway, I'm way too tired to write anything better about it. You get the idea though, the food was good, I was happy to go out with my friend, overall the meal was lame; next time we'll go somewhere new. The problem is just that unless you want Asian, there's just not much in Oly...Oh well.

I'm taking TLP to the hospital in Tacoma tomorrow. The doctor is concerned that she might have hip displasia and wants us to get an ultrasound. I'm sure she's probably fine but will feel better after we know for sure.

Have I mentioned that I've had zero sex drive since the birth? Sure, I've had a few moments of "interest" but they've been nothing to write home about. I mean, not that I'd write home about that I guess. They say breastfeeding takes it out of you, and I guess this birth control pill that I'm taking that's really low estrogen so as not to interfere with the breastfeeding takes it out of you so it makes sense, but I'm not really happy about it. It's funny though, when you have no sex drive it's not like you miss it personally, I just feel bad about not being there for my husband. He understands and is pretty much fine with it, but I'd still rather be interested in it for both our sakes...

To bed.

2005-02-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Gillian had her two month check yesterday. She's 11.5 pounds and 23 inches long--so big! She's still sleeping mostly through the night, but the days have been a little tough as she wants to be in the pack most of her waking hours. It's worth it though, she's never going to be this sweet and tiny again.

9 1/2...Hours

2005-02-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

My baby has slept for 9.5-10 hours at night for the past two nights! It's been magical! The first night I woke up a couple of times to check on her and make sure she was alright, but last night I slept all the way through--from 10 till 7! Oh my god, the difference a full, uninterrupted night of sleep can make...The downside is that it's made for some long, fussy, nap-less days, but honestly I think the trade off is worth it. She's actually sleeping again now, in the front pack, but yesterday was her fussiest day yet and I'm anticipating today to be similar once she wakes up...

We've got her two month check today. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary, but I am excited to see what she weighs. She seems sooo big to me, but when we go out people still comment on how small she is. She's not a tiny newborn anymore though. I have a drawer full of clothes that she's outgrown and and her body feels so solid--it's amazing to watch her get bigger.

Her outgrown clothes are so small and cute. I can't decide whether to donate them to pregnant friends, give them to the goodwill, consign the cuter ones, or just keep them in case I have another baby. I guess I'm leaning towards keeping them. At this point I'm not really planning on another baby but you never know and I doubt that I'll receive as many gift clothes next time around--people are much more excited about a first baby.

In other news; I haven't seen one of my younger sisters in about 3 years and she's going to come over this weekend to meet the baby. I have pretty mixed feelings about it. I never officially broke off contact with her--my parents did--but I didn't do anything to get in touch with her. Then I moved and she wouldn't have had anyway to find me. I've been feeling guiltier and guiltier about it lately though, especially about not seeing her daughter who's going to be 8 this spring.

I believe my sister has brought her misfortune upon herself through her decisions and actions and it's up to her to make the changes necessary to fix it, but at the same time, I don't really know if she has the capacity to make those changes so it leaves me in a big dilemma. My sister was adopted and has mild fetal alcohol syndrome. She functions fine in society, but is just "off" enough to know that she's different and not quite as smart as people around her. She's really pissed off about it and I don't blame her at all--it totally sucks--but she blames everybody for it, not just her birth mother who drank all the Jack Daniels while she was pregnant.

If she wasn't family, I wouldn't give it a second thought--I've cut people out of my life for a lot less--but she is and so I do. I've personally never really had a problem with my sister, she's always kind of looked up to me and so treated me with respect and love but she has done horribly disrespectful and heartless things to my parents and other sister and I've just wanted to distance myself from it.

I've got to get something to eat before this baby wakes up.

Not a success.

2005-02-14T13:55:00.000-08:00

I just took TLP out for her first walk in the jogging stroller. She wasn't a big fan. I usually just walk with her in the Baby Bjorn; she's comfortable in it and nothing calms her down as quickly as walking with me. But everybody (well, my husband and my mom anyway) keeps asking if I've tried the stroller yet and since it's a gorgeous sunny day I decided to give it a try. Maybe I didn't dress her warmly enough, maybe she was a little hungry, but we got about 1/4 of a mile down the road before the tears started. And then rapidly turned into screams. I didn't want to turn around and go back the way we'd come as it was mostly in the shade and the coldest part of the walk.

I ended up getting a killer workout as I actually did jog about 1/3 of the way home trying to get her back to my place before all the neighbors heard the wails but I'm probably not heading out in the stroller again anytime soon. I don't know, maybe after 15 or 20 minutes she would have calmed down, just like in the car, but why bother, at least until she gets bigger, when the front carrier works so much better and I don't end up with a tearful baby?

When I read the blogs of other new mothers I feel rather inadequate.

2005-02-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

Even if I had the time to have a complex thought (and to be fair I have had a couple since the birth), I'd have no time to follow it through to completion, let alone blog about it. I'm ecstatic about what I'm doing with my life right now, but still, every spare (insert appropriate word for small increment of time here--see, even my vocabulary is lacking) is spent taking care of TLP. Every spare minute. And if I do find a bit of time for myself I use it to take a longer shower, or eat sitting down, or read 2-3 pages of a long overdue library book. So I'm in awe of these new parents who have the time to write long, rambling (in a good way), complex blog entries about anything outside of parenting. Or even parenting for that matter, I don't really even have time to blog about my thoughts on that--I'm too busy doing it. How is it that they have so much more time then I do. Maybe they function on less sleep?

Last night, lying in bed, I thought of a good 5 topics I wanted to blog about. But it's not like I was going to sacrifice the restless, broken up chunks of sleep I get blogging. And today I've forgotten them all, save this one, that I have no time or energy to blog. And that I miss it.

2005-02-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time to write these days, but I do have tons of time to snap tons of cutie pictures!

I haven't posted in a week.

2005-02-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

TLP's new favorite place in the world is sleeping in my front carrier. I'm not complaining, it's adorable and amazing to have her so close to me all the time; it just makes getting anything at all done pretty difficult. She's actually in it now, but so soundly asleep that I'm able to type. Usually the typing wakes her up. I'm still on line all the time, as once she's asleep it's pretty much all I'm able to do. I just can't type anything.

Is there a blog award for most boring blog of the year? I could seriously be a contender.

She's started laughing this week. She'll make eye contact and smile and laugh. It's so incredible to watch her develop. I can't believe I ever thought lying on the floor, watching an infant kick for 1/2 hour could be boring.

I had my 6 week check up today.

2005-01-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm completely officially post-partum now. I got a prescription to go back on the pill--it's a progesterone only type that seems to be ok for breastfeeding. I guess there's still a bit of a decrease in milk-production concern though and that worries me as I seem to still be struggling to make enough. I fed TLP every 1/2 hour for about 3 hours today until I finally gave up and gave her a bottle of expressed stuff that I was saving for her trip to my parents' this weekend. She chugged about three ounces without even batting an eye which makes me think that I again wasn't producing enough for her. It's so frustrating to not be able to make enough.

So anyway, I'm back on the pill. I haven't been on it in over a year and it feels funny to be making that decision. I don't trust myself to rely on condoms though and I DO NOT want to get pregnant again anytime soon. It's funny, up until my 7th month of pregnancy I hadn't been planning on using any birth control, we wanted for me to get pregnant again ASAP since neither of us are getting any younger. I loved being pregnant and didn't want for it to end. Then I got really pregnant and didn't love it so much. Then I gave birth. Now I've got this baby that I love so much I can't imagine ever wanting another one. Plus with the colic, I don't think I could handle morning sickness and 1st trimester exhaustion while giving 110% to a colicky newborn. So now I don't know when we'll think about having another one. I'm 31 now, so if we do decide to have another I wouldn't want to wait too much longer, but at the same time I just don't know how people do it--have multiple kids I mean--just one is soooo much work!

I was going to take TLP to my parents' place again tonight and stay with them; that is working so well for me. I look forward to the respite all week, it's nice to see them, they take such good care of her, I eat really well, and I don't actually have to leave her alone. I think this is why celebrity moms always look so rested and put-together, they have this kind of help 24/7...Anyway, with B so sick (101 degree fever) I had Mom come and get TLP and take her for the night without me. I'll go tomorrow and depending on B's sick-factor, either bring her home or stay at their place for the night. So this is my first night completely without her. It feels very liberating to know that I will not have to be changing a diaper for 15 hours. I even put on a real bra and dress (read: clothing not of the nursing variety) but soon went back upstairs and changed when I remembered that I still had to express...

Speaking of expressing and nursing clothes I wanted to mention a couple of absolutely fantastic nursing-wear sites out there. There are no nursing clothes to be found in Olympia and honestly if there were they would probably be horrendous. I've found some great ones though, online, from some really cool companies. One Hot Mama, Expressiva, and Milkface (in Canada) all have tons of cutie stuff that doesn't scream "Look at me, I'm lactating!"

Ok, I've had a couple of glasses of wine now (no baby to feed) and am definitely rambling...B & I are going to watch Waking Life tonight and then catch up on some much needed sleep.

2005-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

My man is home sick today--I hope like hell I don't get it. Dancing a tiny baby around all day while having a fever sounds like a nightmare. It did give me the change to shoot this sweetie picture though!

Top 5 CDs for dancing Gillie into sleep (or at least submission)

2005-01-26T10:24:00.000-08:00

1. Madonna--Ray of Light
2. Soul Coughing--self titled
3. Anything from the disco box set
4. Al Green--Take me to the River box set
5. My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult--Hit & Run Holiday

Last night was terrible! She was barely consolable from 7 to 9 and then completely lost it and cried and screamed until nearly 11. Then she crashed and slept soundly till nearly 9 in the morning with just a couple 10 minute feedings. I actually had to get up in the night and express because she just wouldn't be bothered to eat...I guess I really shouldn't complain though, I did get nearly 9 hour of barely interrupted sleep once she finally calmed down.

We went to dinner at Mini Saigon with my mom and ran into a ton of people that I hadn't seen in ages. That was nice. I was a little uncomfortable though, I'm so unable to just have a normal adult conversation with anybody anymore. A friend of mine is moving back to Paris on Saturday and he joined us for dinner, I felt like a complete social retard. It's like my brain has just shut down to anything but feeding, changing, and otherwise taking care of TLP.

I'm not loving my blog these days.

2005-01-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

Well that's hardly fair, I guess; it's not my blog's fault--to be honest I'm not loving my own blogging abilities these days. I used to spend such time writing little entries that I was really happy with; I'd edit and revise--really thinking about what I was putting out there before I'd hit the publish button. These days I'm just too busy, I find myself throwing something, anything, up on the site whenever I get the spare minutes, and I'm not liking the results. It's just priorities though, I guess. I mean, given the choice, blog or shower, blog or eat, blog or do some dishes--blogging just has to come second, especially when I can't seem to wrap my brain around a continuous train of thought for more then five minutes...

I went out with a friend tonight. I had a drink, a good dinner, and my friend's husband watched TLP for two hours. It was heavenly, such a nice break. I was a little stressed about how she was doing and hoped that her colicky little self wasn't overly punishing his good intentions, but it turns out she was fine! Yea TLP!!!

Now my choice is continue to blog or sleep. I'm choosing sleep.

Adjusting, slowly but surely...

2005-01-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

Things are getting better. Actually, I'm not sure if things are improving, or if B and I are just getting into some kind of routine. TLP is still colicky, but not so much, or maybe we're just getting used to it. She's sleeping for a good 6 hours in a row at night which means that I'm getting 7 to 8 hours of straight sleep most nights plus another 2 hour chunk in late morning or afternoon--more then a lot of people who DON'T have newborn babies I think.

If there is a downside to her sleeping so much during the night it's that she's now awake for much of the day. Again, if it wasn't for the colic I don't think there would be a downside at all, but as it is, from Monday to Friday while B's at work, I'm essentially holding her in the Baby Bjorn carrier all day long. If I put her down she cries, so we've got to keep moving. It's completely exhausting, but it keeps her mostly from crying and I'm able to get a few things done around the house. Mostly though we spend our day walking around the neighborhood and dancing and dancing and dancing. By the time B gets home from work I give her to him, decompress for a couple of hours and then go to bed by about 9. Life's not very productive these days, but she's only going to be this tiny once and I'm glad to be able to spend so much time with her.

I had sex for the first time since the birth today. I was really nervous, all the books said it was going to suck more then losing my virginity, but it really wasn't bad at all. I thank my religious kegaling during the pregnancy and TLP's incredibly quick delivery for my fast recovery. We were supposed to wait until after my 6 week appointment next Friday but decided to go ahead and do it anyway. It wasn't great, by any stretch, but neither of us expected it to, I guess it was really just more of a reconnection. 1/2 hour of not thinking about the baby--mostly.

Oh yeah, thank god for the Baby Bjorn. We tried another carrier, The Snugli, and it was so sub-par. I had backaches and shoulder aches and TLP's head was really poorly supported. I'm in love with the Baby Bjorn though--it costs nearly twice as much but since I have to wear the thing for hours on end every day it's soooo worth it. Also, so many thanks to my family--they've been such a lifesaver throughout this. I went to my parents' house again on Friday and it's such an incredible relief to have them to share in the work load. It's not even that I want to take off for a break away from TLP, it's just so nice to not have to do it all alone.

I hate Picasso!

2005-01-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

I tried to post two pictures but I could only make the one work. It's ok though, on closer inspection I've decided that the other picture wasn't great anyway...

2005-01-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

Here's two recent shots of TLP and I trying to get some rest. Well, I'm trying to get some rest, I think she's more interested in the cat.

Respite.

2005-01-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend at my parents house, it was heaven. 48 hours of loving family members excited to walk and rock and bounce and sing to and feed (even in the middle of the night) my little TLP. On Saturday night I got 10 HOURS OF SLEEP--IN A ROW--it was amazing and soooo rejuvenating. Now they've offered to take her for one weekend a month (but I have a feeling it'll be more then that) and I'm so very excited at the prospect. B and I even got to go to a movie, and we didn't have to carry a diaper bag or worry about when she was going to wake up and be hungry. Though note to self: when leaving the baby for more then a couple of hours at a time make absolute sure you bring either a breast pump or pads--I was completely soaked. I don't think the three crying babies in the theater helped with that any, either.

I let my mom give G her first formula this weekend. I felt pretty terrible about it, but it had been a really rough week for breastfeeding and I needed a little break. I'd been a bit stressed all week and wasn't eating or drinking enough; I felt barely able to make enough milk to even feed G properly, let alone have enough pumped to let Mom do the late night feedings. G was really fussy all week, possibly a growth spurt, and my body just hadn't seemed to have caught up with the production needs yet. I was carrying a ton of stress about the whole thing which I'm sure wasn't helping anything at all so I decided to feed as much as I could, express as much as I could, and then be ok with supplementing with as much formula as needed. And I did buy organic formula so at least I wasn't supporting those evil big-budgeted, anti-breast feeding companies....

Eeep, she's awake. Gotta run.

So.Freaking.Tired.

2005-01-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

Can't think. Can't write. Can't blog.

New priority list:

1. Take care of The Love Peanut

2. Sleep

3. Express Milk

4. Eat

5. Anything/Nothing/Everything Else

Co-bathing is the sweetest thing ever!

2005-01-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling like a terribly neglectful mom lately because I haven't been bathing TLP enough. I know it's said that American women tend to over bathe their babies, washing them everyday, but I really haven't been bathing her enough because she just hates it so much and I can't stand to have her scream and cry any more then she already does. We tried the sponge bath on the counter method, we tried the putting a towel in the sink and dipping her in method, we tried the little baby bath tub method, we even had some friends with lots of baby-bathing experience come over and help--all to no avail. I mean, yeah, she was cleaner, but completely pissed and I assume feeling completely betrayed.

But today was bath day, B's only day off this week, no more putting it off, plus her hair was getting a little funky, so we decided to try the co-bathing thing and I'm happy to report it went soooo well! I filled the tub with water a bit cooler then I would have liked for myself and then got in. B handed her to me, I eased her into the water a bit and then nursed her while she got comfortable while B gently poured water over her torso to keep her warm. It took a few minutes for the confused look to leave her eyes, but she never cried. After she seemed ok with the whole thing I supported her body and kind of swished her through the water on her back and she really seemed to relax into it. TLP's not much of a smiler yet but I genuinely think she may have been enjoying herself!

The kicker was after we took her out of the bath and layed her on B's lap in a towel--still no tears! She layed with him, relaxed and awake while he dried her off and diapered and dressed her! I swear, this baby gets better every day; and thank God for that, those first two weeks were really tough. Now she's sleeping away in her bassinet, sweet and clean, and with her hair just starting to curl into a gentle, natural Mohawk.

Music soothes the savage beast--um, I mean baby.

2005-01-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

TLP has colic. It's so horrible. At least every evening and usually once during the day she'll start screaming inconsolably, obviously in lots of pain and it's both heartbreaking and frustrating to not be able to help her through it. Up until the night before last long car rides were the only way to soothe her and with the possibility of snow and horrible road conditions forecasted for all next week I was getting more and more anxious about how we were going to be able to help her out. Thursday night was icy and cold but she'd been crying for an hour and we were ready to pack her into her carrier and head out onto the road when B said he wanted to first try some music. I think I about bit his head off in my frustration and desperation to get to the car but it was amazing--the SECOND he put on an old record of I think it was Mozart's early string quartets her eyes opened really really wide and she was silenced. Completely silenced. And then she relaxed.

She didn't fall asleep for nearly an hour, she ate and just layed on her side in my lap, rocking and listening. It was so amazing. I watch a lot of TV when I'm home with her and occasionally I listen to the radio but I keep it pretty quiet and I think it just fades into the white noise of the house. B had the music on pretty loud--too loud I thought at first--but that's what it took to get her attention I guess. After an hour of listening she fell asleep and, even more amazingly, stayed that way for nearly four hours! She's still had fussy periods every day and night since then, but the music always at least helps to relax her.

Yesterday we just stuck with the Mozart, I didn't want to press my luck, but today we've been experimenting with other stuff, some psychedelic discotech dance party thing from the 60s, Psychic TV, and now she's laying in her crib, not asleep and not crying, listening to Smog, loudly.

I haven't updated my reading list since before the birth.

2005-01-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

Know why? Cause I haven't actually touched a book that wasn't "What to Expect the First Year" since that time. Yesterday I returned a stack of library books a week before their due date because I knew there was no chance in hell I was going to get to them. People have told me from the start that there would be no time for reading once the baby arrived but I didn't believe them. I'm a voracious reader and pictured time spent reading while TLP was sleeping or nursing or playing. Nope. Nursing takes two hands, when she's sleeping I make the call as to whether I get a shower that day or a bit more sleep, and playing--maybe in a month or so but at this point she's either asleep, eating, or crying--no time for reading there either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining in the least, I love the time we spend together. It's just funny really, how right everybody was.

Now, if you'll excuse me, G's asleep and I really should go do the same. As my friend told me earlier this week "personal hygene is soooo last year..."

Today is my first day home alone with TLP.

2005-01-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

Yep, The Love Peanut and I are kicking it stay-at-home-Mom style for the first time today. Yesterday I was pretty much terrified but so far things seem to be going alright. B stayed home with me the first week and my mom came and stayed during the days the second but now the party is over (or just beginning I guess, depending on how you look at it.). B assures me I'll rise to the occasion beautifully and I hope I don't let him down.

I guess the most difficult part for me is when she starts crying inconsolably--my pattern is to emotionally shut down and disassociate when things become emotionally difficult and I find myself wanting to do that sometimes with G as well. I know I can't though so it really means fighting through all my developed ways of dealing inappropriately with stress and anxiety and actually having to stay in the moment. Does that make sense? For the first time in my life someone is depending on me to keep it together and I can't let her down. I suppose maybe every new parent deals with this.

I'm learning her patterns though and that's making things seem less stressful. At first when she would cry and I couldn't help her I think it seemed even worse because I wouldn't know that it was ever going to stop. Now I know that she gets fussy and irritable about every day for a couple of hours at 9 in the morning and 9 at night. Not only do I know that I'll only have to deal with the crying for a couple of hours each time but I'm also getting to a place of being able to emotionally console her much of the time and that's very exciting.

Also she's seeming to recognize me as more then just a food source. At first the only way I could console her was with a feeding. Now, while that's still her primary focus, she smiles when I come to pick her up from her crib and when I'm just rocking or holding her. It's so amazing to watch her develop. It's funny, as I've said before, I've just never been that "into" babies. In fact, I've even said that I'd much rather be around a puppy then a baby, but everything's so different with TLP. Even when she makes faces that I would probably find unattractive or irritating on other babies, I think she's the most beautiful thing in the world. I just can't stop staring at her--the amount that I love her is so overwhelming.

Two gifts from God: a gliding rocker and an electric breast pump.

12-17-04 (pt.3)

2005-01-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

By 6 a.m. I was dilated enough for the epidural. They called the anesthesiologist who unfortunately was just getting off shift and I waited for an hour or so for the next one to become available while the Nubian became more and more ineffective. It’s all so blurry though. I mostly remember just the rocking, moaning, and a little bit of pillow biting. Then I got my epidural and everything relaxed. This is all a little hazy now too—between the narcotic shot and 6 hours or so of pretty active labor the mind starts to forget. I know they administered the epidural and my blood pressure dropped. I felt really spacey and sleepy and the nurse was putting oxygen on me asking me over and over if I was ok. Things regulated though and my family came in and we all slept for a few hours.

It’s funny, from the point of receiving the epidural until things were all wrapped up and finished the whole experience seems really pleasant. I was feeling no pain, the contractions were progressing steadily, and I was just resting and talking quietly with B and my parents.

The nurses and my doctor all came in a few times to check things and we assumed I’d be delivering by about 1:30. At about 10 my epidural was beginning to wear off so the anesthesiologist came back and gave me some more and the nurse checked my cervix again. We were all hoping I’d be at about 8 cm, and were stunned to learn that I was completely dilated and that the baby was well on her way! The nurse called the doctor and got me ready to start pushing. I think if they’d realized I was that close they probably wouldn’t have given me more epidural but as it was it went fine anyway.

I started pushing at about 10:10 a.m. with the labor nurse and B coaching me through and holding my legs. My parents were in the room but I’d asked them to stay behind my head for privacy’s sake and they were fine with that. The contractions were still two minutes apart and that’s when I’d push, and then rest in between them. I couldn’t feel them though so I’d just push—using my memories of how to push—whenever the nurse told me to. I think this may be a part that some women would be unhappy with if they were hoping for an unmediated birth but it was still amazing. I couldn’t feel a bit of pain, but I was completely aware of her descent down the birth canal—and it was soooo quick! I started pushing at 10:10 and she was born by 10:31—before the doctor even arrived! I’m guessing that I only did 10 sets of pushes; one set every 2 minutes for twenty minutes to get her through before she was placed on my chest.

She stayed with me for a minute and B cut the cord, and then B and the nurses took her a few feet away to clean her up while the doctor delivered the placenta and stitched me up. I tore a little but all in all the nurses said they’d wished they’d been taping the delivery to show to childbirth classes as everything went so well.

B was so cute about it, helping them out and rubbing her down, he didn’t let them give her a bath immediately though and had her on me, feeding for the first time within probably 20 minutes to ½ hour. I definitely appreciated that about this hospital as I’ve heard horror stories about hospitals giving babies formula without permission or taking them away for an hour or more right after delivery. The nurses asked my preferences beforehand and seemed completely willing to comply with everything that I wanted.

I stayed in the hospital for another 24 hours or so which was very helpful. Despite all my reading I was still a little unprepared for the amount of blood that continued to flow from me—it was pretty incredible. I was also very happy about the continuing supply of percocet as once the epidural wore off I was in pretty serious discomfort. The Love Peanut roomed-in with us which I think is also the norm at this hospital and B & I used the time to practice our diaper changing and feeding abilities.

I’m sure I’m forgetting some aspects by now but all in all I think that just sums up at least the physical experience. I guess I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that I was even pregnant, let alone that I gave birth to such a beautiful, perfect little girl. It’s funny how surreal it all still seems.

12-17-04 (pt.2)

2005-01-02T10:38:00.000-08:00

We got to the hospital and got checked in and were told that they would keep me for an hour for observation and then decide if I got to stay. I was at 3 cm and 70% effaced and I would need to be at 4 cm within an hour to be allowed to stay. It was so stressful and the contractions were really intense. The nighttime nurses were alright but one of them didn’t help with my relaxation any by telling me that my contractions so far were really no big deal and that I wasn’t even in active labor. I WASN’T EVEN IN ACTIVE LABOR?!? I’d been hurting worse then anything ever for three hours and I wasn’t even in active labor?!? The other weird thing about my check in was the triage nurse. She didn’t seem to realize or care that I was having contractions and proceeded to ask me all these conversational questions like “so how was it getting here?” I assumed there was no way in hell she could mean driving ½ an hour through contractions so I told her the check-in process went fine. She clarified that she did mean the drive and I told her honestly that it sucked and she seemed so surprised. Weird. But I never saw her again so that’s a good thing. She was also really concerned with getting an accurate weight for my check in paperwork. She asked me my weight at my last appointment and when I told her I thought it was 229 she was like “nope, it’s 228”—like who freaking cares?!?

The next hour was again a blur. I was in the bed, moaning and rocking my hips through contraction after contraction and B was in the recliner beside me trying to be supportive but also completely exhausted. I realized the yogic/meditative breathing wasn’t helping at all anymore and began the “sh-sh-sh” breathing you see on TV and learn in childbirth classes and found it to be much more helpful. The nurse came and checked me in an hour and determined that I hadn’t dilated anymore but could see that I was in serious pain and called my doctor to see if I could stay another hour. The doctor agreed, and the next hour passed in much the same way.

Yea! I’d dilated another cm or so in the between 3 and 4 a.m. so I was home free and got to stay. Thank fucking god, too, I cannot imagine having to get dressed and drive home in that much pain. And how confusing that would have been! If they’d sent me home then I would have had no idea what “real” labor would feel like. Knowing me and how I don’t like to bother people unnecessarily I probably would have had the baby alone on my kitchen floor at that point. And then I got a shot of Nubian.

I knew already that I was planning on using an Epidural, but I’d really wanted to not use narcotics—at that point though I didn’t care at all. I wanted a shot of something and the nurses were quick to comply. I guess that’s why if it’s important to you to not use medications that you’ve covered that with everyone who’s going to be involved in your labor process, because at that point I don’t believe that even if I’d really wanted to not use medication I would have been strong enough to not use it. I know that lots and lots of women do it everyday, by choice and not, and I have so much appreciation for their ability to stick to their guns, but I hurt—a lot—and wanted medication and there was no stopping me from getting it. None of my visualizations, none of my breathing exercises, none of my anything was working to help me through the pain at that point. The Nubian was helpful. Like any narcotic, it didn’t take the pain away, just helped me to care less about it and allowed me a minute’s rest between contractions. I was told that it was short acting and would have worn off by the time the baby was born but honestly, at that point I probably would have taken just about anything, regardless.

B had called my parents at that point and they’d arrived at the hospital but I requested that they stay in the waiting room until I was able to have the epidural—I just wasn’t comfortable with anybody besides B and the nurses watching me ride through the contractions. Especially when B told me later that despite his knowing I was in a lot of pain, my method of moaning and rocking made it appear that I was having a very, very good time…

12-17-04 (pt. 1)

2005-01-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Looking back, I guess it all started on Thursday the 16th, though I didn’t realize it was happening yet. I think it all started with the flat-ass cake. I’d been reading Birthing from Within about one woman’s labor mantra focusing on delivering her baby at home taking no more time than it would take for her friend to come over and bake, cool, frost, and decorate a chocolate cake for her. I was curious about what that time frame would look like and was also having some pretty serious nesting urges. For what it’s worth, the cake only took about 3 hours—start to finish—significantly less time then the labor ended up taking. I spent the day doing that, blogging about it, cooking dinner, and then settling down to watch Shrek II with B at around 7:30.

The contractions started around 8, but they were really mild, no different then any of the Braxton Hicks contractions I’d been having for weeks so I didn’t really pay any attention. I wasn’t even timing them as I’d had so many false starts that week already. I’d given up on going into labor naturally and assumed I’d be induced on the 23rd as scheduled. They were becoming a bit more uncomfortable though, even more then I realized after the birth when I went to finish the movie and realized I’d missed big chunks of plot, and I went to bed at 8:30 figuring that would be the end of that.

B came to bed at around 11:30 and I woke up feeling constipated and like I had really bad gas. I went and laid on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes with one of my cats until it occurred to me that I was indeed having contractions and they were much more intense than anything I’d had before. They were coming every 5 minutes or so and I wasn’t really able to talk through them. I found that the most comfortable position was bending at the waist with straight legs and my torso and stomach on the bed, kind of arching and flexing my back through the contractions. I woke B up and when we timed the contractions I realized they were coming 3-4 minutes apart and lasting over a minute each—the level at which I’d been instructed to call the hospital.

I did and was told to keep my eye on them, take a hot shower, and try to relax—I live about ½ hour from the hospital so I was a little nervous about this but not so much as it was my first labor and I didn’t figure anything was going to happen too quickly. Unfortunately, as I’ve heard a hot shower feels wonderful during early labor, our water system was down—we had no freaking water—of any temperature! We share a small community well and lose our water every few months or so but this time the timing really really sucked. B’s happy as pie to be able to tell people that our water broke the night I went into labor, though. Have I mentioned before his love for bad jokes?

I waited another hour or so until 2 when I called the hospital and told them I was coming in but that time is a complete blur. I know B took a picture of me and it pissed me off but I’m happy to have it now, and I know I got a lot of attention from all three cats, and I remember trying to remember all the coping with contraction techniques I’d learned about but that I continually fell back on basic yogic breathing all the way to the hospital. The ride to the hospital wasn’t nearly as exciting as we had anticipated either. The weather was cold but not icy and it was late enough that there was no traffic. I was having contractions every two minutes but the crazy thing about contractions is that when you’re not having one, you’re SOOOO not having one. You have this little moment of clarity where you’re not hurting and completely rational. Then you feel the next one coming and for me, despite my best intentions, that feeling of the next one coming always gave me a little panic. It was like during the moment of calm I’d try to talk myself through the next one, but when it actually hit it was like “oh fuck, here comes another one…”

Last night was really really difficult.

2004-12-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

The day was pretty good, we got an outing and a bath in and most importantly I got a two hour nap, but by 7 TLP was fussy and by 10 I was in tears. She'd been on my nipple for about 2 hours and everytime she'd fall asleep there and I'd try to put her down she'd wake up screaming! It was so frustrating and horrible. I'd started expressing milk earlier that day so I actually had a bottle ready and even though it was sooner then I'd planned B was able to feed her and she fitfully fell asleep by 10. I guess I should consider that lucky actually but I'm so not a night person so it felt like 3 a.m. to me...

I know this sounds horrible and that everyone tells me the first few months are really tough but I just keep seeing all these pictures and movies about happy families and happy, smiling babies and I keep wondering where mine is. She smiles like crazy in her sleep, but when she's awake and not eating it's pretty much only tears. B would tell you I'm not seeing the whole picture and he's probably right. To be honest there are a number of times during the day when she's awake and alert and looking around with something like curiosity--I just can't help but feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

It's so textbook really--"I've got this beautiful little baby now, why do I feel so sad?" Classic baby blues I guess, I've just got to get through the next couple of months. And when they're over I'll probably miss them forever and wonder what happened to my sleepy little baby... I've started taking doses of B vitamins, but I'm afraid they're making her fussy.

Everyday I have a million new things to write about.

2004-12-29T18:03:00.000-08:00

And everyday by the time I get a second to get on the computer all I'm able to do is check my email and try to squeeze in a minute more's sleep. I used to wonder why there were so many blogs written by pregnant women and so few by new mothers. The reality of why this is has been hitting me over the head like a sock full of rocks this week. Words cannot describe the mental and physical exhaustion. And I've had help! B took the first week off and essentially did everything except the feedings and my mom's been here with me all this week doing a ton of work around the house. I know there's got to be a period of adjustment, but at this point I'm waiting to see how it's going to all fall into place, and not just come crashing down around my ears.

Little G, or The Love Peanut (tlp from here on out) as I've taken to calling her, is a perfect angel. I've never been especially "into" babies like many women I know and see around but I sure am into this one. Often she'll be asleep and I know I should put her down and do some housework or at least get some zzzs myself but I just can't stop looking at her--she's amazing--completely amazing.

Remember how I said after I gave birth I'd go back to not talking about pregnancy all the time and become a more well-rounded person again? This could absolutely not be further from the truth. I'm not going to have much to say about anything besides TLP for quite some time I don't think.

The birth story is getting fuzzier and more rose colored as time goes by. If I don't get around to writing about it soon I'll probably completely have forgotten any of the pain and difficulty of it. I have no plans, outings, or visitors scheduled tomorrow so maybe I'll get to it then.

2004-12-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

I love love love this picture. Yeah, I look like hell, but I'd just given birth--I'm so in love with the look on little G's face.

The best decision I've made so far.

2004-12-24T08:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally called the lactation consultant. I've been having a really hard time with the breastfeeding but I kept holding off on calling her because I've so often heard that it takes a couple weeks for both the mother and baby to really get the hang of it and that a bit of soreness and anxiety is part of that. I know other mothers who've told me to "just hang on" during those first few weeks and it'll get better soon--stuff like that. But I was to the point of bleeding and nearly crying and was about to throw in the towel so I finally called. I should have done it sooner, a lot sooner, but I'm sooooo happy I did it before the long holiday weekend.

We went into the office yesterday afternoon and the lactation consultant was so encouraging and helpful. I really had been doing it completely wrong. I mean, G was getting enough to eat, but I was killing myself in the process and there's no way I would have been able to keep it up. It's funny, I'd originally called and left a message and I guess I sounded so desperate the office went into some kind of "code red, emergency breastfeeding situation" with staff running around and looking for my chart--"Call this woman back--she's not going to make it, Captain!" and trying to get me in before the close of business.

It's just crazy that it can be such a difficult process. I mean, almost everything else that happens during conception and pregnancy and labor and delivery is so magical, so completely naturally perfect, but breastfeeding is so difficult for so many people and so often doesn't come naturally to either the mother or the baby--after my experience two nights ago it's a wonder to me the human race survived. I mean, in this day and age I was ready to *gasp* give G a bottle of formula, but what about before there was any formula to fall back on? I guess it's just another wonder of the attachment between a mother and infant that those long-ago moms would often suffer through breastfeeding despite the agony?

I'm just so glad I went. Breastfeeding is important to me on so many levels and I was so worried that maybe my body just wasn't cut out for it. I know it takes some getting used to, but the time I've spent feeding G has been some of our best time together yet--yeah, it takes a big part of my day--a BIG BIG BIG part of my day, but what would I rather be doing? I had this baby to bond with her and nuturing and feeding her for hours out of the day at this point is part of that--it's certainly not like I have anything better to be doing, you know?